it’s not right, but it’s ok

 i finally met up with SL. it went just how i had hoped it would. i made her laugh! and that makes me so so so happy. ridiculously happy. it just puts such a massive smile on my face. 

i went over to her place saturday evening, and we just sort of sat in her kitchen and talked and chatted and joked about stuff we find hilarious. ridiculously hilarious. stuff that only we find hilarious. i even managed to take her to nandos. well we picked some up anyway. and that was pretty good too (i havent had any in ages). and then her friend LA came over and we just kept talking and joking around. her sister eventually joined us and i didnt end up leaving until 2am. 

she seems to be doing better than i expected. and she seems to have adjusted…in some ways it’s a good thing it happened when it happened, cos it meant she could take the time she had for elective to deal with it. she enjoyed her elective too which is a good thing, but there were little hints of things that reminds me that she’s still adjusting. like when she said she would eat lunches alone while on elective. and that she had the choice to meet up with people, but she preferred not to, and instead kind of appreciated being left alone. and like how it’s HBL and MR’s birthday thing this week, and she decided she probably wouldnt go to be honest. which i knew would happen…i think that would overwhelm her. a couple of people at a time is all she needs at the moment. 

i didnt manage to see her mum, but that’s ok. maybe next time i go over. 

there were moments though. moments of silence when there was an essence of sadness lingering. when i couldnt think of anything to say, and we both (i assume) were thinking about what had happened. well at least i think i was, and i think she knew i was thinking about it. but it was brief. and would move on swiftly. and i think only i found it awkward. 

she really liked the justin bieber doll i got her as well haha. which perked her up straight away. i was suddenly overcome with the worry that she might have moved on from it and not appreciate it at all, but i was wrong. she LOVED it.

so that was all good.

SK came over to mine after zumba. we looked at old photos. it’s funny when i look at my old photos. i know which baby i am. i know what i looked like. but i dont believe it. i just dont relate to it. the face is disconnected. it just isnt me. i really dont think i look like my baby pictures at all. i was also very thin. which i really am not any more. i will always mourn for my loss of beauty when i went through puberty. i used to glow. now im just shiny. and not in a good way. i really wonder what ST finds so beautiful?

one thing i have to thank SK for is opening my eyes to how funny my relationship with my brother is. we dont have one. at all. but other people find it amusing. and i guess it is…she couldnt stop laughing at pictures of us. 
my brother and i have 9 years between us. which means i think we could have had a natural brother/sister relationship if my sister wasnt in the middle. she didnt get on with my brother. and i would dote on her. my brother had always wished i was a boy…and when i was a girl he became disinterested…and he would try in between, but i wasnt interested in his attempts to befriend me, because I was too busy doting on my sister. 
personality wise, we’re kinda similar. our temperament is the same (like our mum’s). i look more like him than i do my sister. so technically, we should have semi-got-along. and sometimes we would. my like for action movies and PC games and nintendo and stuff came from him. but him being a brother, we would also clash…like when he would be stupid and demanding and stubborn and a know-it-all and rude to my sister…and i would defend her, and i see how unreasonable he was being. 
so in some ways we have a normal brother/sister relationship. the disconnect is that we do not talk. as SK put it, he’s an exaggerated version of her brother, and he’s so much older than me, so it’s kinda funny that we have this odd relationship. 
i think i am the favourite sister. partly because i dont interfere with his life. and i get on with mine. i have distinct memories of him. stupid stuff that he is probably unaware of. like when he went to Hungary for his first year of medical school, and he bothered to call me on my 10th birthday..only because his best friend forced him to. and his best friend knew my birthday because his was the day before mine. 
and on my 6th birthday at pizza hut…when i remember him being moody and fed up of the kids surrounding him. but he did want to be there. cos he got to eat pizza and help out.
and how he used to HATE my mamiji..and her cooking. he loathed her cooking. but i used to love her. and it bothered him. 
and i remember the time i made some pasta during easter holidays, and he came running down sniffed at my bowl and ran to the kitchen like a bear in pursuit of food.
i remember when he told me about his now wife. when i was sitting in the living room next to the kitchen doing my maths homework and watching ER. mum and dad were out. i dont remember where, but he came and sat down…asked me if i knew that ER was actually nothing like being a doctor…and i said yeah i know now shut up im trying to watch. and he sat and waited…and then tried to talk to me "PM, can i talk to you about something?"…and i told him he would have to wait until the ad-break cos there was no way i was missing ER…and he waited…and then he said "there’s a girl i really like…" and i said what?! and he continued to tell me he really liked her…and that there was a problem, and i continued to laugh (i was in hysterics at this point). and he asked me "problem is she’s not hindu…what would mum say if i brought home a Sikh girl? do you think it would be ok?". and i said well….i think mum would freak out. and there is no way in hell she would accept it. and he said something like "oh shit…right…do you really think so? shit…why though?" and i reminded him of my sister’s crazy friend from school who happened to be Sikh and had ‘led my sister down the wrong path in life’. and he straightened up and said "well ok, i’ll see, i dunno, DONT TELL OUR SISTER…like seriously dont tell her". and i said yeah of course. i wont tell her.
which of course i did. the next day. and we continued to laugh at him. but then we tackled mum and dad as a family. as a bunch of kids. united. 
and i remember my brother always being pleased for me. i’ve always been one step behind my sister academically, but always one ahead of my brother. and he didnt hate me for it. it was like he was happy i was doing better than him. when i got 9 A’s at GCSE he was glad there were no B’s or C’s. and when i got into the uni i got into, he was glad it was so much better than the one he got into. and when i had my publications to present…he sat smiling in the tiny audience that bothered

to turn up. and he made me pose and take pictures. 
and when i chose to get help for my depression…a little part of him wondered if he could have the courage to do it too. get help for his bulemia which manifested into stress vomiting. 

but then he got married. and his wife changed him. and he’s not really that same person any more. he’s become more interested in putting me down.. small things get turned into ‘your brother knows best’ when he knows nothing.. there’s still a hint of who he was though. and apparantly he knows about ST…i dont know if he approves. not that it would matter…but something changed a little again…he tried talking to me. about mediocre nonsense…nothing specific…but he did try. and im so used to not talking to him it took me by surprise and i tried to shut it down before it escalated into something else as per usual. 

i choose to distance myself from him now. choose to not associate with my siblings. because they are simply destructive. my brother never actually used to be, but his wife is. so i stay away. like my mum does. just keep my distance, so she knows to keep hers.

i should have known. all those years ago. when i went to New Orleans to present my publications. and my brother shouted at me the day before my presentation and left me in the middle of nowhere with $3 to get back to the hotel i didnt know the location of. i should have figured it out, that he flipped out after checking his emails from her. and i should have known that she must have done something to upset him. something to make him fly off the handle so unreasonably. and that should have been my warning that she wasn’t to be trusted. that he came with me on the most important trip of my life, and she still managed to get her claws in and ruin it somehow. she left me with acrid memories of what was supposed to be my biggest achievement in life so far. at the age of 19. i should have known what would transpire 5 years on. i wish i could have seen how we’ve all ended up. and i wish we didnt end up in a way that meant me looking at old photos of when i was 6 years old, and wondering why everything went so wrong.

i still have those good memories though, even if he might not realise it. she can’t destroy that.