im coming not drowning swimming closer to you

my christmas tree looks cold and tired.

i took off the decorations. with love this time.

i remember this time last year, i was weeping. chris brown on repeat. i was hacking my christmas tree. i couldnt understand what was happening to my mind. it was falling apart. just like the tree i was tearing down. the tree i put up alone. and threw away alone.

this year, ST helped me decorate the tree. he really did make it look amazing. and with love. and care. and a sweet song in my head, i undressed it slowly thinking only of him. and now its standing there. waiting to be carried into its next life. only now it looks like a plant in my room. a bored, old plant. the room doesnt twinkle. theres no romantic undertone to the room. its just waiting.

and suddenly i feel like i need to get serious. i have to start studying hardcore tonight. its only just hit me. perhaps it was the tree that was making me feel otherwise?

i havent got the heart to throw it away yet. i’ll be truly alone when i put it somewhere it shouldnt have to be. maybe when im feeling the pressure of these exams, i’ll relieve some by taking it down. branch by branch. i’ll use the same breadknife i used last year.

ST left at about 1pm. i miss him. in fact. no. i dont miss him. i just wish i could be free to spend my time with him as i pleased. without worry of something something something in the back of my head.

last night was kinda weird. after i got back to bed, i think i was subconsciously mad at him. i kept fidgeting and moving around and getting annoyed when he tried to cuddle with me. he eventually gave up and leant away from me. then i got upset, and he woke up a little more and told me that it was me being difficult. and that i wouldnt sit still, and he couldnt understand why i wasnt letting him cuddle me. i think i was too hot. he turns into an oven at night. also my neck had begun aching after sleeping on his arm at a funny angle. he massaged it for me. he said sorry for falling asleep last night. he got me horny again. it was good. im on strict instruction to not get horny without him any more. my play time gives him harder work. so im going 2 weeks without. which is nothing really, ive gone a couple months without. im sort of looking forward to a break from him. i can really concentrate on myself and my work. i have literally 10 days to cram and smash these exams. i could just manage it.

i remember this time last year. i had realised my feelings for RB. i had chucked up everything i ate the night before. i had nothing to keep me company but my tv and my dark thoughts.

2009 was one of the longest of my life. neverending. it hasnt settled that its the new year. nothing feels different. perhaps it would if there was something to watch on tv. maybe i didnt really need the year to start on the first of january? maybe my new year started when i ended things with RBk? maybe my new year started when i met ST? maybe it started when i realised that id be ok. yep. i think thats when it started. when i came to the realisation that i would do just fine without the CBT and therapy and all that. when i realised i was doing things for myself. i think that was mid november. it was after RBk. before ST. there was that transitional phase. when i decided i was capable of moving ahead with my life.

i said goodbye to that year the right way. no celebration. no memory loss. i left that decade of hurt behind. i spent it in the arms of a man who loves me. who will always be there for me. who will protect me from feeling hurt. who i love.

i feel cleansed. open. new. ready.