i’ll have a glass of vintage hypocrisy, 2011 batch

who am i supposed to talk to who wont think im just making excuses.

i kept my problems quiet when i was a teenager because i didnt like feeling like i was making excuses.

i didnt want people accusing me of making excuses for myself. because i wasnt. but i knew thats what people would think.

no one can ever handle me.  because im such a huge burden.

i have a lot of health problems.

 

1) PCOS. the only way of really truly treating it is to lose weight. which im trying. and people are telling me im losing weight even though im not convinced.

in the meanwhile i have to go on the pill and metformin.

i am not tolerating the pill. i get nauseous. sometimes throw up. so i have to take anti-emetics in the morning. fine. that tolerates it.

if im not on the pill, my facial hair grows more, i put on weight, i get acne all over my body. and the worst is that i dont get periods.

so going on the pill, at least i get a period. feeling a little nauseous is a small price to pay.

i dont tolerate metformin fullstop. constant nausea and vomiting. i know its meant to put me off food, which it did. which sucked, but the worst was the fact that if i chose to not eat then, i would get headaches from being on an empty stomach.

 

2) Migraines. ive had them my whole life. since i can remember. i remember throwing up in the sink in our downstairs bathroom in the old house after school cos i had a headache so bad. i remember my mum rubbing my back. i remember it was just understood. I get migraines. fullstop.

unfortunately the pill precipitates migraines. when im not on the pill, for my one week off, so that hallelujah i can have a period…i get a splitting migraine. ive been prescribed tryptans for this. it hasnt worked this morning. but i have to wait 4 hours before i can take another.

again, a controllable migraine is a small price to pay so that i can have a period. so that one day i can have children.

 

3) Fasting Glucose Intolerance.

if i dont eat for long periods of time, i get massive headaches. and as we all know, when i get a headache it turns into a migraine.

 

4) im getting anaemic. my eyelids are pale. im getting exhausted when i come home. unusually exhausted. i should be used to this commute. and im not doing that much in the day for me to need to have to lie in bed all evening.

 

all in all, yesterday, was all 4 combined.

yesterday i did have a long day of stuff to do. i didnt eat from 12-10pm. ive come off the pill for my period on sunday.

so naturally i have a migraine right now.

 

ST thinks is because i dont blow dry my hair.

apparantly i had the flu, because i dont blow dry my hair.

i get nauseous, because i dont blow dry my hair.

i get migraines, because i dont blow dry my hair.

i get tired, because i dont blow dry my hair.

everything, in my life, goes wrong, because i dont blow dry my hair.

my PCOS must be, because i dont blow dry my hair.

Result of blow drying my hair: my hair becomes damaged. it starts to feel like elastic. it falls out when i brush it. i get split ends. i get more dandruff. i even get spots on my scalp. it takes TIME to blow dry my hair. i have a LOT of hair…im not allowed to CUT IT….because he likes long hair…

despite the fact that i blow dryed my hair all autumn…and STILL got migraines, and STILL got sick…blow drying my hair is the solution.

despite the fact that i DIDNT blow dry my hair…and i WASNT coughing and sneezing as a result…blow drying my hair is the solution.

and to top it all off…EVERY time i have a hair cut, i come out with a headache…guess why? because they blow dry my hair…this is partly the reason i dont cut my hair more often than once every 9-12months.

 

but yes, all my health issues, are because i dont blow dry my hair.

 

i get it, he wants me to blow dry my hair…fine, i’ll try…but does he have to…HAVE TO say it, the morning when my head is splitting? 2 minutes before he leaves? when im not well, and all i want to do is be cuddled all day? i get it, he has to go to work, but it would have been nice if he spent the last 5 minutes with me just making me feel at ease. thats all i called to say. i asked him, if he would come to the GP with me on wednesday…he said no.

ive been crying since 8.30am. its almost 12.

 

here is a list of things i cannot do with ST…or he’ll threaten to take his love away…or his support…whichever:

1) cry

2) talk to him at night

3) tell him im ill

4) tell him about stresses during the day

5) ask him to help me pick clothes while shopping

6) talk about any personal problems.

 

there have been these occasions…where ive done this stuff…and its led to an argument, and he ends anything i try to say, with “fuck off, i dont love you, i never loved you”…or “you dont want to listen to me, so yes, i will take my support away”.

 

ive told him many times, if he feels hes not strong enough or capable to deal with me, to tell me, so then at least i know i cant rely on him, and i wont, i would find other people other means…

and he says no, rely on me, i want to be there for you.

but when it comes to it…yes he supports me, yes he looks after me…but sometimes, i have to fight for it. i have to convince him why he should..i have to explain what it means to sup

port someone without judgement.

im just so tired of fighting.

theres nothing i can say more. i have no choice.

today he said to me “if you want to stay in this relationship listen to me…if you want to do what you want, then you thats it….i dont want to know anything about your health any more, i give up…i give up on you.”

i feel like tattooing his words on my leg to remind myself of how difficult i am. all because i was trying to explain to him how my migraines and blow drying my hair are separate entities, and he didnt need to bring it up this morning.

im the one starting arguments apparantly. he gets migraines from having wet hair…but the fact that we are 2 different people means nothing. he started saying..”im just saying it because this is what happens with me..this is my experience.” and then ended with “so you should just blow dry your hair..just listen to me for a month”

guess what, i did it for 2 weeks, my health didnt change, my hair got into a worse condition, and it was eating my time. so i stopped for the second 2 weeks..and hey, my health didnt deteriorate..in fact…he said to me..”see…your not coughing or sneezing because you’ve been drying your hair”..and i said..i did that for 2 weeks and stopped. im not coughing and sneezing because i dont have flu any more.

but i couldnt explaint his to him…because now apparantly im “full of shit” and a “massive liar”.

 

and now we’re back to square 1. yet another person i cant tell my problems to because they think im making excuses.

i asked him why he has to punish me for not listening to him. and he said “because listening to you tell me youre not feeling well is punishment for me..im sick of hearing it”.

i am a burden.

so i said i would stop. instead i’ll tell my mum. i asked him if this was ok? if i switched my source of reliance on my mum, would it be ok by him?  because right now, my head is pounding. i have no one to talk to. im too scared to say anything to HIM…any my mum will listen. she never used to, but she does now…and if someone can be there for me, then i should let them…because she loves me. she loves me unconditionally. she wont tell me she’ll stop loving me or supporting me.

when i have migraines, she doesnt blame me. she doesnt tell me what i should or shouldnt be doing in my life..she puts tiger balm on my head, feeds me medicine and lets me sleep. she holds my hair back when i need to throw up. she just looks after me. because my name is PM and i get migraines.

but then he flipped out about it..accusing me of telling my mum hes unsupportive and causing a rift and making him out to be a monster.

it kills me that i cant talk to my mum about this stuff. if i do, then she gets a bad impression of him. and if i dont, then i have no one to talk to.

im so stuck. im so fed up.

and even if i wanted to just end this argument, and take it, and deal with it on my own the way i have to these days…im not allowed to.

because number 7) im not allowed to apologise.

 

i wish he could hear himself sometimes. how conflicted he is. how hes sending me so many mixed messages.

all im asking is that he doesnt try to fix it, that he stops trying to throw the world “solution” at everything, and that he just be’s there for me. and if cant, to tell me so i can look elsewhere.. nothing mixed about that.

but on one side hes telling me that he will be there for me, but only if i follow his remedy.

but his rememdy is wrong. its wrong for me. and hes too stubborn to understand that.

so i said fine, i will blow dry my hair for the rest of my life. i will let my hair go to shit. i will waste my time. FINE. but i followed it up by saying..all i was asking is that he didnt have to say it TODAY.

and its not good enough. i have to say sorry, and swallow my pride, but he cant do the same.

how is that not hypocrisy at its finest?