i wont go down without a fight

i hate that wave of judgement that hits me when i tell people how serious me and ST are. that look of disbelief, that expression that says “ur a fool. ur moving too fast. slow down little one”.

the way we are, how we’ve become. we just work. we work well. we work in sync. its like the arranged marriage i picked for myself. i know hes the one. i know hes my life. i know im going to spend my life with him, but theres no fear. theres no concern that maybe its not mutual. i dont feel constantly in the balance. i can learn to love him with each step we take together, without worrying that hes going to run for the hills and never look back. im at ease. i can take my time. and why does everyone have a problem with that?

i get kinda tired of hearing from people “get to know him before you make any rash decisions”. but what rash decision could i possibly make? i have no interest in getting married yet not at least until ive graduated.

we have relationship that i missed out when i was younger. that school kid relationship. the one where you grow up with each other and are so comfortable with each other that everything is natural and easy and you dont think twice about the steps you take. we have that easy breezy happy kind of relationship. the one that maybe ur a little naive about because you know no better, but the type that will stay with you forever.

why do the young break up and move on? i think maybe because they havent experienced what else there is out there. but its different with us. cos we already have experienced what we want to out there. i dont need to learn any more about anyone else.

part of me keeps getting worried. that maybe i am fickle. that maybe he was right at the beginning, that im young, and my mind will change just cos i am young enough to let it. and i get scared about it. but then i stop myself. and i think of him. just his face smiling at me. and i realise it cant get any better. that i have no reason to let something like him go. i want to keep him. forever. and i assume that perhaps i wouldnt worry about such things if he had never mentioned them in the first place. expectations get the better of me once again.

mum told me to keep a lookout for other guys. ones with higher salaries and better jobs and more security. he, my mum, others…i keep feeling this pressure that one day i will need more. and that i live a lavish lifestyle. and that im jaded by my rose tinted spectacles. how can that be possible though? i dont get it.

why cant people just let me happy for once? why do they have to find faults?

so what if i live the life i do right now? so what if dad pays for everything?

im lucky. im damn lucky i come from an upper class background and never have to worry about a thing. but i dont envisage that for my entire life. thats not the rest of my life. thats my current life.

i never knew a life where my parents werent working hard for what they had. i only knew of our wealthy background when we moved house. thats when it hit me. and to this day, i have no interest in flashing the cash my dad provides me with. i love finding bargains. i love making a save. i love having a small cosy home that i can grow into that has walls that learn me and a warmth no matter the weather outside. i want a home where i can take 2 steps at a time and not get breathless by the time i get to the top. i want one with a creaky step in the middle and doors that dont shut properly. i want one which has spiders that my husband can protect me from, and bathrooms with leaky old skool plastic handle taps. i want a house that has magnolia walls and a different colour in each bedroom. one with windows with old varnish and a sitting room reserved for guests. i want to get excited when we get to upgrade the tv. and i want 80s patterned tiles in the kitchen of flowers in watering cans.

i want somewhere simple. and lived in. somewhere that one day my kids can leave and return to and know as home.

i dont want some flashy penthouse suite flat and my kids in a private school costing over £20,000 a year. i want them to have the childhood i had. i want the marriage that my parents had when they first came to this country. when they lived in a tiny flat they could barely afford and made friends with the neighbours. that man who still cuts my dads hair.

i want to one day build my family in that shithole and realise its time we moved cos we could finally afford to.

for some reason i want that struggle. i want that life. i want to be able to sit back when im 70 and retired and have memories of long ago of the time we struggled to get by and eventually made it.

i want to be able to look at my husband and be proud of all that hes worked for. i want to be proud of us. that we made it. that we worked hard for it.

i dont want to rely on some rich guy and his cash and spend all day playing and having fun. thats not life. thats fun. and its meaningless. and it wont bring me closer to him. it will make me dependent.

so why cant my mum just be happy? why cant she be glad ive found someone?

and on top of all that. so what if there are a hundred eligable bachelors in india with good degrees and a high salary? they wont take me. they wont love me. they can only tolerate me.

no indian guy, from india, with a degree in medicine or likewise, will take a british born girl with similar paychecks and mood swings. those guys want a trophy for a bride. they want someone who earns less. who will do as they say. raise their kids and not be a bother. someone they dont have to talk to. someone they can come home to for a cooked meal and sex.

those are the kind of guys my mum was talking about. she told me “men are only interested in 3 things. sex, money, and their heirs”.

those are the kind of guys shes seen in her lifetime. those are the kind of guys that girls were arranged to marry.

ive found someone else. someone who gives a crap about what i say. who wants to talk to me. who wants me for me.

and not only that but takes the crap i have in my head as well. someone who will hold me when i cry and beg me to stop cos it breaks his heart. someone who doesnt dismiss me when i do. who listens and tries to understand. ive found a man who loves me.

no man im arranged to marry would do that for me. there is an expectation with arranged marriages. you have to deliver all that was promised. its like signing a contract. and if you dont give them what they agreed for, there are problems. questions. accusations of lies and disapproval.

<p style=”text-align: justify;”>if i had a mood swing the first thought that would come to him would be “i didnt sign up for this”.

i dont want that kind of marriage.

no man im arranged to marry would be able to stomach my paycheck. one day, i will be earning big money. one day. when im a consultant in whatever it is i choose to do. and indian male pride means that i would have to give up my job before being in earshot of earning that sort of money. a waste of this struggle im going through to make it out alive. my career hanging by a thread. and even though its in tatters, im still desperately trying to sew it back together. only to throw it all away to raise the kids and clean the house.

i dont want that kind of marriage.

i dont want the kind of marriage that no matter what i say, my husband will turn to me and tell me to stop putting him down, just because my british accent will make him feel inadequate. i dont want the kind of man that has such high expectations of me, that if they are unfulfilled, will turn to someone else to fill his needs. i dont want to be insecure. i dont want to have to worry about what hes thinking. i dont want to be on tenterhooks as to whether im still number 1 in his life.

i have a man who fills that. a man that doesnt think im putting him down just cos of my british accent. who listens to me when i try to explain why im feeling hurt. i have a man who doesnt have those high expectations of me and wont bolt as soon as theres a glitch in the matrix that becomes our life. i have a man who wont run to someone else when i cant please him, but will wait for me to learn how to love him the way he wants me to. i have a man who makes me feel secure. who tells me what hes thinking. who doesnt make me question who is number 1 in his life.
he doesnt compete with me. he wants to support me. he wants to be there for me. for us. so we can have a better future together.

 

why cant she understand that? why does she have to question it? why cant she see im happy?

i get tired. tired of people being selfish. my mother who says its in my best interest. who would rather i went for someone with a high salary even though he lies to me or plays games.

WHY cant she understand that it doesnt have to be that way? that even though in her lifetime shes seen men only want sex, money and heirs, that in my lifetime i know that those men are the ones that play.

my mother has only known and learnt about the players. and ive met someone whos not like that. ive met someone like the man she raised. and yes its simple because my brother is a doctor. and he earns a lot anyway. but hes lucky. and my brother is not faultless.

its too hypocritical for her to say he should be all those things and more. for her to fault ST on his salary. if she were to compare him to my brother. well at least hes not bulemic.

if she was to compare him to dIA, well at least he doesnt want one thing.

if she was to compare him to any others. well. at least this one is decent. and pure. and good to me. and would never let anything hurt me.

at least this one loves me the way i need a man to. at least hes willing to go through the struggle to make sure im happy.

the only person complaining is her. and its not her future im worried about. its mine. and ST’s. and right now, thats all i need to worry about.

i dont want to marry a man who she can show off to all her friends.

i want to marry the man i want to marry. and she cant stop me.