i have to celebrate you, baby

 so i know i have been writing a lot. i think i have no other outlets given i am on my own all the time. 

i just want to take a moment and brag about how amazing my fiance is. 

went into a small wedding meltdown. i wanted to have the wedding and reception at home. get a nice big marquee up in the garden. something personal, meaningful, and unique. special. no venues seemed to match what me and ST really wanted. what is more unique than a venue no one else is getting married at?

turns out there are a lot of issues with doing a wedding in a residential home, which although is big enough for 350 guests, is difficult to maintain for 350 guests. firstly, people see my house, and people think we can be taken for a ride. thank goodness my dad is a business man, which i think many dont realise. all they see is an old Indian doctor, with too much money, and not enough knowledge on how to spend it…racists, and ignorance, assumption and foolishness in one go. my dad has not made his fortunes being taken for a ride. well, he has been taken advantage of, plenty of times. but thats not through doing business. but thats a different story.

so these people send emails back and forth, and the price is low. and then they come to the house, see it, meet my dad, and suddenly we get emails doubling or even tripling costs. which is nonsense. 

if i was completely bridezilla, i would be telling my dad that i am worth the tripled cost, and he should do it if he loves me anyway. but i am more reasonable than that, and in fact, it pisses me off that people behave like that, and i would rather not have those kind of people involved in my wedding. 

secondly, there is this whole issue with providing amenities. who knew toilets would be such hassle? so trailers wont fit into the garden, because the only access we have would mean cutting a tree. which is OUT of the question, i am not destroying a tree for my gain. and modular toilets need a manhole to dispose of matter, and there isnt one in the garden. and even we decided to do modular toilets with a vacuum…it would be noisy. and stinky. and we cant have the toilets by the manholes because its far to travel from the garden to the side gate. 

the rest of the issues include parking- which would be hassle but workable. and noise complaints- which is just annoying. 

i am reasonable, i understand that all this makes it nigh-on impossible for the reception. but none of this is an issue for the wedding.

however my mother is hellbent on doing it her way, not caring about what i want, or what is important to my fiance and me. and instead of listening to me, and understanding what i wanted, decided to put her twist on things while i wasnt there, and made dad book a hotel, without consulting me first. 

nobody told me, i have seen the hotel before- its not the most spectacular for what we could afford, and not unique in the slightest. 

at least they could have told me. but whatever, what is done is done. 

then im being told that it is unlikely that we will be getting married at home. because my mother doesnt want it. 

this broke my heart. this made me feel like they didnt understand or care what i needed and wanted. it felt like my wedding was being taken away from me. i wanted to be able to get ready in my own room. and come downstairs to my hero, and marry him the way we wanted to be married. in a as-private-as-can-be ceremony in my home. i wanted to be taken away as a married woman from my home. traditional. 

but all i kept being told from mum was to think of the practicalities. and evil eye this. and what about people that. 
then i find out dad booked the hotel for the entire day. probably with the intention to have the wedding there as well. 

it was all beginning to sound a lot like we were going to have to do what my parents wanted. and if that being the case, and having such a shit venue for it, maybe we would have to find another date for the wedding. 

that really cracked me. i cannot sacrifice the date of my wedding. it is my wedding date. and the date means so much to me. not just because i have it set in my heart that i will be married to the love of my life on that date, but because it was picked auspiciously. by a pandit. and the fact that it is a full moon, and i was born on a full moon. and the fact that it is the Dalai Lama’s birthday, and he’s buddhist, and i was born on the Buddhist religious holiday of when Buddha himself was born, and the fact that when i was 6 months old and had my hair shaved off, Dad used to call me Dalai Lama. just everything links in, and means something, and the thought of losing it broke me apart. and i couldnt move, and i couldnt stop crying. 

i thought ST would freak out at me for being upset, and would tell me to grow up. and that i was being ridiculous. 

but he didnt. he was crushed for me. he knew how much it meant to me. and when i said that i give up, and that i didnt care any more, because all the excitement i had for our wedding day had been snatched from me, he comforted me, and told me that he was there for me. and that just so that the wedding could mean something to us, we would get married ourselves, in our flat, and mum and dad could plan for whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, but for us, we would be married on the date we had chosen, no matter what, and it would just be us. he couldnt understand how my parents could be so businesslike about my hopes and dreams. 

i know i am not the type of girl that has had her wedding plans planned out in her head for years and a lifetime, but when something feels right, you know you have always wanted it- at that moment you realise how it is meant to be, and how it has always meant to be like that. he told me we would never do that to our daughter, that she would have everything she needed.

sometimes it feels like my parents dont know how to care about me. like they know they are supposed to, and maybe inherently they do, but when they dont know me, or show that they dont care about my choices and needs, it just feels like there is a disconnect. 

like i am a stranger to them. 

and i think ST notices it. which is why he knows how much it hurts. 

like when they met his mum for the first time. there was no connection in my dad’s head that this was his daughter’s mother-in-law. it was like this was a new person to impress. for himself. he never spoke about me, he never talked about who i was, or the type of person i was. it was…about him. and his s

uccess. and his life. and it made me feel shit, but ST noticed it too. and he notices when there is a lack of love for me from people he expects to show it the most. 

its like…when i tell him stuff i go through, and how i have to deal with a lot of shit, he doesnt believe me, and he has a go at me, and tells me to get over it…but then he sees it for himself, and he watches it happen. and i dont ever say anything, because for me, its my life, and its how ive had to live it, and make peace with it…but he sees it, and its like a light goes off in his head. 

when i told him about my cousin, and when i flipped out because my dad was buying her stuff i was entitled to, he told me i was a greedy jealous child. and then when my dad told him how much salary he was paying her, ST told me i should be demanding more, and not be so decent about it. that actually, i was right, and i am entitled to a hell of a lot more. 

when i told him about how crazy and immature my siblings are, he told me i was the same, and maybe all the stuff they say to me is correct, and i am more childish than anyone. then he met my brother, and was shocked. and then he met my sister and told me i was ridiculously mature and sensible for where i had come from. 

what was interesting about that was that for once, someone viewed her as i do. from my point of view. no rose-tinted spectacles. he told me knowing what i have told him, the fakeness and nonsense was clear as day. but that if he didnt know, he could see how easy it is to fall for the shit. 

 

yesterday he surprised me. and i love him. when he wants to be supportive, he is the light of my life, and it’s moments like that, that i put up with his shitty moods, and his nonsense, and when hes being a jerk…

it still surprises me when he knows me. and he knows that when i say i give up, it means i really do give up. im usually relentless for what i want, and when i dont have the energy to do it any more, it means im pretty beat. i really felt like i couldnt carry on any more yesterday. 

its like that thing- when a positive person finally breaks and becomes negative- you know that that is when they are truly broken.

being over here means that my moods cant be broken with a cuddle. that is all i need usually. 

 

i waited and spoke quite frankly with my dad. i suppose i manipulated it by choosing the correct wording that made it clear to my dad that what he did was wrong, without spooking him. as far as he understood, the wedding was still happening at home. he booked the hotel for the whole day because it didnt cost extra, why not have it for the whole day?

he listened to me. and it was quite clear my mother jut blew everything up because of her own insecurities, without thinking about the damage it would do to me. i told her very clearly that i was wrong of her to do that, and she needed to understand that this wedding wasnt about her and her insecurities and right now, ST and I were the priorities. 

i dont care about people. the only people i care about is the family, my friends and ST’s friends. my parents’ friends are irrelevant. 

 

i have a general level of stress. i feel like im constantly tachycardic. and nothing i do seems to settle it. the thought of going out stresses me out. and the thought of stewing in here stresses me out. 

im going to try and do some souvenir shopping on Wednesday, which will hopefully settle me a good amount. retail therapy + cross off another thing i need to do here before i leave. and the place closes at 6, so i will be able to get some dinner and come home without wasting a trip to the city. i found another veggie restaurant i want to try out before i leave.