i got a feeling

ive got a sick feeling in my stomach. and i just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world for a little while. im getting nervous about exams again. and i really have to study. but i cant find the motivation. i have the fear. but its not driving me. why isnt the fear working yet? its 1.40pm now…maybe if i start now i can get at least 5 hours of work done today. hopefully that means i can get about 3 long answer questions done. come on PM.

before i do, i should explain my weekend. it was lots of fun. i spent friday with ST, the dream team, and RB. saturday with MN and her family. and sunday fretting over exams and talking to ST. which wasnt so much fun. but it was a good way to freak myself out for today.

 

friday was wonderful. i met with ST again for our second date 🙂

ive had about 7 first dates. only one ever went further than that. and we lasted the last 7 weeks of the summer of 2006. but i have a feeling this guy may last longer than ive ever known.

i had been thinking the whole way to meeting him, how i would greet him. what kind of hug i would give him. when we did meet, he hugged me. and it was initially awkward, because i had been thinking about it so much. we walked a little distance and i put my hand in his on purpose. i had been craving holding his hand all week. there was no way i was going to miss the oppurtunity. so we walked hand in hand trying to decide where to eat and what to do. eventually after a loooooong walk we went for lunch at giraffe. i had a falafel burger. he had goats cheese on focaccia. after we ate, and i ate too much and got sleepy, i stretched my legs under the table and ended up feeling his up lol. he put his legs around mine and locked my knees between his. i do these things absent mindedly and i never realise it. i must have moved my leg, and he suddenly went bright red and started laughing while talking about something very serious, i got really confused. and then he stammered that i kept moving my legs around against his and it was tickling him. he took my hand over the table and played with my fingers and palms. it felt sooo…comforting. it didnt feel awkward. it felt nice. and familiar. i know SL does it all the time when we’re just sitting talking on the couch, but shes a girl. and she has creepy hands. and shes just absent minded. and i am the turk to her JD.
so we sat for a while as i had eaten way more than i could handle and talked some more.

we then left and decided to walk around for a bit. it was so cold and my hands were freezing so he took mine in his and kept my fingers as warm as he could. i dont understand how or why, but it just felt so comfortable. we walked a little and then i decided we could go sit in the local park. ive always walked passed it and never been in. we sat on a bench for a little while. talked some more. giggled and laughed. he asked me why i liked him so much again. i told him he was being ridiculous again. he has it in his head that im too fickle. that one day i will abandon him because im young and hence young enough to do so. he thinks im just with him for the sake of being with someone.

after a while i told him to stop being so worried. and we talked it through. that all that mattered right now was that i liked him and he liked me back. during this he had spat out his gum and taken off his glasses. he kept turning is head a little and looking at me. i knew it was coming, so i let it happen. i leaned in a little closer. and it just happened. he kissed me. it felt so good having his lips against mine. he moved his lips slowly. he went at my pace. he pulled on my upper lip gently. and then he used his tongue. and it was gross. i really dont like tongue. but the lip kisses were amazing. i stopped and felt immediately calm. then i asked him how long he had been waiting to kiss me. he laughed a lot. and then denied trying to. i told him i could tell he had been waiting to. and then it just sort of popped out of me and i asked him what this was and if i was his girlfriend. “do you want to be my girlfriend?” do you want me to be your girlfriend? “of course i do” i got a boyyyyyfriend. he started laughing and kissed me again.

i went quiet and he asked me what was wrong, i said nothing was wrong at all. i was cold. i rested my head on his shoulder my fingers were interlaced with his. my knees tucked in against his right knee. i didnt feel like i was unsure of what i was doing. i felt so…at peace. it felt nice. he kissed my cheek a few times. he moved along my cheek drawing closer and closer to my neck, and stopped. oh my god. i so wanted him to kiss my neck. i wanted him to nuzzle his nose past my scarf and breathe against my neck and kiss me gently. i almost expected it and i felt my knees go a little weak. and when he stopped, i knew it was because he was respecting me. he was being careful about how much he wanted me. and im so glad he did stop. it makes me like him even more for being so sweet. but just that tiny part of me wanted him so badly.

he eventually walked me back to where i was meeting my friends. my feet had gone totally numb. when we got to the station i was meeting my friends at he hugged me. i wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him. i told him to wait a little while until my friends arrived. when i got a call from RS, he decided he should leave. he kissed me again. hugged me some more. kissed me and left.

we’ve been talking a lot. he called me when i got home that night after meeting with the dream team and RB’s birthday (which was mega boring until PP broke the table). we spoke for an hour or so and fell asleep talking. saturday i went to south london for MN’s puja that she was having. i took my mum. mum had a really good time and im so glad i took her. ive been telling her for years to spend time with MN’s mum. now i think she might.
MN’s mum cracked a bride joke at me which was totally unexpected. she told me my outfit was nice and that i looked almost bridal. i didnt hear her immediately. i was shocked she had even said it! its so unlike aunty to make those kind of jokes. then mum got on it and said that she had to start looking for a husband for me. bleugh. i hate that topic of conversation. id like it more if i were in a relationship on the brink of marriage. ie perhaps in about 3 years time IF me and ST are still together…BUUUUUUUUUT right now it just grates on me. and i get embarrassed and nervous, and it makes me feel like i should be only looking for a guy to get married.

not that ST is concerned. hes more excited about the prospect of marriage and settling down than i am. he makes comments like “if we get married…” and “it works well for me if my wife is a doctor….” etc etc. hints that i might the one. we’ve only been together for a week. itsd a little fast to be talking ahead of ourselves. but the way we are already…its almost like..we’re not seeing each other, dating each other, being with each other for the sake of having someon

e, and trying to see where it goes. its like we’re together so we can be together for life.

i dont know if i prefer it. i love that there is no uncertainty. that we are honest with each other. that i know what hes feeling about me, and he knows the same of me. but i wonder if it takes the excitement of the relationship away. having said that, i still feel butterflies when he holds my hand. the thought of kissing him is making me want to see him every minute of every day and i loooooove talking to him.

he made a comment that im totally different with him than with my friends. and i realised its true. i become softer and sweeter. but i realised its because….with him…im allowed to be myself with no judgement. i can be fluffy and cute and girly without him thinking im a loser. i can be me. and i like that i can be myself. its sooo relieving. i dont need to think before i speak. i dont have to watch what i say. i dont have to be on the lookout for challenges. i drop the guard and be vulnerable to him, knowing hes not going to break my heart, use me and leave me. i think.

with my friends i have to put up a front. i developed it right after i left school after DdP and AT and HP fucked me over and saw ulterior motive in my being nice. back when i used to be fluffy and sweet and caring to everyone whilst joking around at the same time. i cant do that any more. all people get is the joking around. VSM told me once that he basically felt sorry for the guy i would go out with cos i would probably eat him alive. thats what people think i am. a man-eating over confident brash girl who can take hits and take jokes as well. which is fine. i am that in front of them. PP knows otherwise. RR knows otherwise. and with them i get mixed up. RR was touching my face on friday night. he kept poking my cheeks and squishing my face and then started stroking my cheek as well. it was kinda weird, but i just told him to quit being a weirdo. VSM noticed and told me that back in first year when he tried to touch my face, i told him that if he ever invaded my personal space again, i would hunt him down and kill him. did i really say that? and then i realised that with RR, its because we have that special bond. he knows my fluffy side. so i dont mind him doing it. hes like an annoying brother. so RR and VSM know 2 different PM’s. and i find it difficult adjusting to hanging out with them. RR and i have always been pretty touchy feely as well anyway.

on the way home, i went back with RR and his friend SSh. while walking i linked arms with RR and suddenly became very aware of how couply we looked. but i swear ive always done that with RR? but since being with ST, i was VERY aware of it. i dropped his arm after a while, and SSh slowly eventually came between us. but even on the train…the way we were talking. i was very aware of how much like a married couple we were. i was talking about how RR annoys me by calling me every sunday 4pm on the dot. ShS asked why. i said to ramble about himself at me. and then RR butted in and said “no…you ramble a fair bit as well” and i was like welllll…id say it was like 70/30, RR 70, me 30. i could see SSh’s eyes flicker between us…wondering if there WAS something between us or not. perhaps i shouldnt have hugged RR when i left given i only shook SSh’s hand. but i didnt like that boy. and it would be weird not to have hugged RR.

i dunno. there is seriously nothing between us. but i am aware that it might look like there was. at ZF’s birthday MR and DS commented on how close we were. i think perhaps people just dont realise we’re friends. that MUST be it.

where was i? yes ST and i were talking on the phone, and i explained that i was only different with him because i could be myself. he said he was glad, and that he liked it. but that he was very aware that as sweet and lovely as i am, there is a streak of a fierce woman in me.

he never says anything directly to me about me being sexy or fierce or anything. i find it funny, but i get little tiny hints of it. yesterday afternoon while i was talking to him i suddenly felt really sleepy and absent mindedly (as per usual) sighed. he stopped me and told me i shouldnt make such noises. huh? what noises? “that ‘mmmm’ noise you just made”. oh…huh?! “it makes me want to come there and hug you”. which i think is his PG/12 version of saying it makes me want to sex you lol. he also made me cry yesterday afternoon. i was telling him i ought to get off the phone and study. and then he started agreeing. and he suggested that i might fail my exams, and i should study so i dont waste another year. and it all took me by surprise and i got upset. and i started feeling too pressured again. just like how my dad says it. and i went quiet. and panicked to myself. and then he asked me what was wrong. and suddenly out of nowhere i started crying, and i asked him if he thought i was stupid and why he said all that and that i probably deserved it anyway, and he got so upset i was crying. “oh noooo my bachu pleeeease dont cryyyy im so sorry, what did i say? i shouldnt have said it, im so sorryyyy pleeease my bachu” (bachu means child..or i think baby in this context). i explained to him that i already put so much pressure and stress on myself to pass exams and study, that when others say it too, it freaks me out. its always been a problem i have. but lately since all the failinf, it has more of a detrimental effect rather than a motivational effect. and he apologised and apologised and said he knew he shouldnt have said it in the first place and then he asked me if i wanted to hang up. i told him to wait a little longer and talk to me for 5 more minutes so that i could feel at peace again.

im sort of glad it happened. i feel closer to him. and he was so sweet when he realised he made me cry. i told him i wasnt a bachu. he said “yes you are. ur my bachu”. he also calls me bhalu. like my daddy does. like im his teddybear. cos im oh so cuddly.

“‘the first half of life you spend being worried about ur parents. the second half you spend it worried about ur children’…no thats not funny” 🙂