get your claws out

so here i am watching some lame video (for the hundreth time) about ANTT.

in a little dingy room.

in the middle of nowhere.

its like being in halls again…only im not so young, im not so fresh, not so interested in making friends, and not so in the middle of somewhere.
about the same as everyone else here.

i didnt go in today. even though im a 2 minute walk away. just didnt feel like it.

im hoping to go in tomorrow morning, clerk a patient, go to the teaching session, and perhaps go to clinic in the afternoon before heading back homehome to pick up some money and have a hug from my loving mother.

i should start studying today. im hoping to do enough to not feel guilty for going home this weekend. and im hoping that once i start, i should be able to pick up more intensely on monday. (i’ll attend clinic on monday morning).

 

i guess im just feeling a bit sad. im actually really sad. having my period this week made me very hormonally unbalanced. but it just made me feel sad all week. even sadder that im out here. and even MORE sad that im away from ST.

im also realising how much i hate people. and how much i have to adjust myself from being me. people are only in it for themselves. people only care about themselves. no one is inherently nice. however they act.

this girl…this girl on my current firm. EUGH. she acts so sweet and lovely. but shes not. its funny how you can come across as cuddly as a teddy but can be quite clearly batshit bitchy.

we are doing paediatrics at the moment. so lots of babies and kids. which im ok with. im not crazy about them. to be honest i dont care so much…you kinda get over how cute they can be. yes i am a woman and yes i like kids and think they’re cute..but theyre not mine. so why would i get emotionally attached? this girl..whatshername…KBD…goes on about how much she LOOOOOVES kids and how she reckons she wants to be a paediatrician (but shush! dont tell anyone! shes so cute and funny that she thinks she shouldnt admit that she might have picked a career option!)…she makes us attend extra teaching, and she gets so caught up on A&E she forgets to attend inductions! what a sweetie!

eugh please. chances are she’ll be a GP like the rest of us. chances are that she will pass as good as the rest of us. chances are, we will all get signed off the same. and chances are NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!

i dunno, maybe this is who i am. someone who is so underwhelmed by everything, that i just get irritated when someone tries to act like i should be overwhelmed and excited by everything.

im a medic too. im a girl too. i am at the same stage as you. so surely that means im not a retard. that i am just as good. so dont act like you’re above me because you chose to be keen and all over the department like ice-cream on a hot day.

i hate these medics that overcompensate for the shittiness of this profession. WE ALL THINK ITS SHIT! you dont need to justify picking this shit career by being extra keen. no one is ever that keen for any career. its weird. everyone hates their job. someway and somehow. its a question of whether theres an inner geek in you that makes you secretly love it and not want to kill yourself. 

yes, i hate medicine. but something always pulls me to it. i dont need to justify picking it. i know why i picked it. i know why im still going through it. but i can also recognise how SHIT it really is.
i know im going to be a good doctor. i dont need some random woman from the census to tell me that.
i just have to jump through the hoops. sadly. unfortunately. i am expected to pass exams. fair enough. my knowledge isnt that great. but clinically, i am GREAT. i am going to be a good doctor.

ive been told by numerous people. people i DONT KNOW…that they can tell from my nature i will be a good doctor. i wonder how many medical students have been told that? i seriously wonder how many people have genuinely told medical students that they are certain they will be good doctors? probably a lot. maybe im becoming big headed. maybe LOADS of students get told by loads of people that they cant wait for them to qualify so they can have someone they trust be their doctor. 

or maybe its just me. and maybe my track record of being a shit student doesnt really reflect who i am and who i have the potential to be.

gimme a couple years and i will show you.

 

i just hate those keenos that think they are above me. you’re not. we are the same. or perhaps im more intelligent because im not so stuck my own ass to not be able to see that.