flashing.lights.

 this is going to be devoid of heartbreak and worry and stress. this is going to be purely an outlet of joy, arrogance, and for 10 minutes, i am just going to forget about all the stress in my life, and appreciate the fact that i am excited. i am going to let myself be excited, and release some old resentment. 

*warning- i am going to be very arrogant in here- and i cringe at the fact that i am. but i just gotta do it and get it out of my system*

I AM GETTING MARRIEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so February hits, and i realise….5 months and i will be married. MARRIED. 

sometimes i feel like i am still stuck at the age of 19. and looking at what has just passed in my life at school, and what is happening at university. and then i fast forward a few years and i am 22, looking at what has changed in my life whilst at uni, and how everything is falling apart. and then i am here. HERE. 5 months from getting married. 

when i think about all the guys that rejected me, and made me feel shit for liking them, and the ones that i pined for…FUCK YOU BITCHES! i met someone 10000000000x better than you all, and he realised what i was, and he took it, and now he is marrying me. 

i am certain, that they must know. certain that DDP must know i am getting married. to ST- the guy he shat all over when i told him about ST. he gave me this whole speech about how i shouldnt trust him and how he might have a whole family back in india so i should be weary and wary and hire a private detective and check him out. told me that there was no way of knowing who and where he was all the time. and i said, ok, but right now, i am happy. so if it comes to pass, that he has a whole family and has been lying to me the whole time, i will cross that bridge when i come to it. instead of sacrificing my happiness for something that may or may not be the case anyway. and doing all that would probably drive him away anyway. bitter, nasty, bitchy little idiot. you are 25. you are acting like you actually are 18, and trying to bustle your way through life dealing with that. and yet complaining that you cant keep up. blocking and deleting you was the best decision i made. and now hey, guess what- I AM GETTING MARRIED. to a guy who loves and appreciates me. and guess what else- you are not. 

same for you AT. you who thought you were too good for me. you who judged my friend for dumping the lack of love from yours….fuck you! i am getting married! so now who’s beneath you? et tu AS, et tu. the girl you chose over me, dumped your ass and ran off with your best mate. hope she was worth it.

and HP. honestly, i never had anything against you. but when you treated my friend like an outsider, at a time when she needed you most, i started to dislike you. when small lithe comments here and there started to come out, i disliked you more. and now you KNOW i am getting married, and you never congratulated me, but you did wish me luck. so i dunno. jury’s out. but i know you know, and you knowing means the rest do too.

finally, RB. you FOOL. be bitter. be small. you thought you were stepping over something not worthy. at least i have someone.

for EVERYONE that did me wrong, i assume (even though im sure its not lol), that this is a big shit in your face. that someone as "gross/ugly/horrible/mean" as me, would be getting married. i hope it makes you realise how you shouldnt have been mean to me, that actually i am a good person, that actually i am worth loving. that i have something none of you do, and you regret thinking that i never would. BOOM.

honestly, i know that i am not even a blip on these people’s radars. that they probably heard, felt glad for me, and didnt care. and i kinda prefer it that way. but the bitch, the little bitchy girl, inside me, she comes out sometimes, and she wants people to apologise for hurting her. and having something in her life, someone like ST, and a wedding, and a happy life ahead of her, it makes her feel as though she is finally getting her apology. that even though they havent actually said it, them just knowing it is happening is enough. 

i am nervous. and i know that on the day itself, i will be a wreck. but i cannot wait. i cannot wait to feel like the centre of attention. i cannot wait to be this special person. i cannot wait for it. i cannot wait for that feeling of knowing that everyone is there for me and the man that i love. i cannot wait to stand with ST, and know that we are thinking the same thing, that we are both stressed and nervous, but excited. i cannot wait knowing that after, i will spend my life with him. and i cannot wait knowing that everyone else will know it too. 

i will be beautiful. there is no way in the world that i couldnt be. because i will be getting married. and no one can look bad getting married. ive seen it before. and everyone else will see me too.