come sit next to me, i got the remedy

 so this is where my diary has progressed to. a place to talk about boys and crushes that i cannot talk to my boyfriend about. 

1) because what the hell?

2) these are not celebrities, and thus are not unattainable. i would feel very stressed if ST ever spoke of another woman he worked with in the same way. he mentioned a girl at work he gets on with, and i dont really mind. im just glad he actually has found someone he can get along with. but a small part at the back of my mind is on the watch. even though i know i dont need to be. plus, i met her, and she was quite harmless. 

3) i dont want anything more from these…i was going to write men, they are not men, i just find them hot for no particular reason.

i should be talking to SL about these things, i think of everyone she would understand it the most, but im not seeing her until tomorrow. so diary will have to make do for now.

 

so. here it is. i have a few crushes here and there. and i find my mind wandering into the unknown while im driving listening to loud music. and by unknown, i do NOT mean the nasty. i havent even done that with ST, so why would i assume it might be good with others? and i will get on to that a bit later anyway. my fantasies are embarrassingly, and generally, slow-mo grinding in a dark club while being drunk. and eventually, if i enjoy it enough, it may lead to a pull. so perhaps an element of my old ways in my youthful days.

i dont really know who to write about first. i guess the one that im thinking about the most…JC. a scottish chinese guy with a VERY deep accent, and a very sharp mind. i suppose that kinda explains it all. the deep slightly tilted scottich accent is majorly hot. he’s not ugly, he’s pretty tall. and i think the thing that makes it all so tangible is that hes NICE. he’s a really nice guy. and he’s so laid back. i dont think i have ever seen him sit in a stressed way. he is always slouched, legs apart, arms folded. he just looks at ease with everything. and he laughs at all my jokes like he finds them hysterical. not just my jokes, but when i take the piss out of something ridiculous (like the meeting i went in for, which was stupid and pointless, and he agreed with me with a chuckle. i love him). and he doesnt treat me like a retard. and he understands situations at a better rate than most. (in my experience, male medical students tend to be a couple pages behind in life…if you know what i mean). so yeah. and i get a bit hot thinking about my (embarrassing) thoughts, like REALLY hot. it makes me wanna go clubbing.

second is AB. AB has always been up there. i go through phases of disliking him massively. i went through one recently. i know what people mean when they say they are a bit scared of me. with AB, if there is any tension between us, i get a bit nervous..partly cos i know how much of a dick he can be and the way he feels about people. so if there ever is an issue between us, i get worried he’s gonna get pissed off and cut me out. but with me, there’s a small difference. i will get all annoyed, and pissed off, and get nervous to see him when i have to, and avoid contact with him, but then he’ll walk into the room, and have a great big (gorgeous) smile, and i forget. and it is JOKES.
so for example, today…i knew he had been pissed off about the work we had to do for this poster (i suggested reading 4 papers each, he went with 2), and i was annoyed about his attitude about it all. JC went to get the guys (i love him), and when they walked into the room AB had a massive smile plastered on his face "PM! HOWS IT GOING MAN?!". and i kinda nervously nodded and looked as bitter about how everything was going as it is, and said, yeah..its ok..nothing much to report really!
and then later..when we were talking about what everyone had to do, he stated in a brief summary "so we each read our 2 papers and do our summarising…" and i chipped in and said..actually 3 papers each. and he smiled. and i smiled. and i knew i had annoyed him, but it was check mate, and i won. i was a sneaky bitch and he found it jokes. he’s another one that doesnt treat me like a dumb girl, and actually respects me for having opinions, and knows that i can enjoy "masculine" things too. he and i also have this unique bond over repeating years and knowing each other since 1st year. he came to my house during first year resits and chewed tobacco and pretended to steal cookies. it was all weird, but it ties us to each other. 

third is ABh. he’s an odd one (he’s a couple chapters behind in the book of life). he kinda annoyed me today. so a little history about this guy…first year he was ladies’ choice. all the girls were ON IT. and i think if he hadnt failed 3rd year, he might still have been the stuff the girls wanted. but now, he’s kinda burned out, and a bit thick. nothing really that special. i never liked him in first year, i still dont really fancy him (hes not really my type). BUT, he is good looking, and i can understand why the girls loved him so much. and now, it’s like..ME- unpopular ugly ME gets to hang out with him constantly, as a "guy type" in the group and it is NO big deal. it just makes me feel cool. it’s the same with AB. 
ABh annoyed me today cos he assumed i didnt enjoy the dictator because it’s more of a guy’s film. i didnt enjoy it because i expected more from it. it had the potential to be funnier than it was. when talking about "the raid"..he excluded me entirely. even though i had already said to JC that it was a movie who’s trailer i remember and i remember thinking it looked awesome, but i never managed to see it. he told me it was quite a small time movie that wasnt out in many theatres to start with, so it might be kinda hard to find now…i concluded i’d probably missed my chance. ABh didnt even look at me. i did say to him, that i can enjoy movies that are meant for guys, just that i wouldnt have much chance to watch it now. i think he felt a bit bad? i think? never know. maybe he just needs to understand me a bit better. AB gets where i am coming from, and JC is pretty astute and doesnt make assumptions. (which is why i love him). 

all these elusive, too-cool-for-uni, unattainable guys. and i get to hang out with them. and there is no sexual tension/pressure. because they all know i have a boyfriend, so dont expect anything from me. (even though im secretly harbouring all these crushes on them). 

last but not least is YR. he’s not good looking (although his hipster glasses helped him MASSIVELY). but he is tall. (too skinny though). the thing about YR is that he just SO sweet. and chivalrous. and he really listens when you talk. and he’s so nervous and appreciative when anyone talks to him. and you can just tell he CARES. he’s one of those guys that told me my boyfriend was lucky to have me. this time it was because i went to pick him up from work in my car and was driving him to B&Q. (another time, a

doctor told me my future husband would be very lucky to have me..im not entirely sure why, but at the time it seemed like because i picked up and put up a shelf). 

i think in some ways, im quite lucky for an antisocial awkward girl. i thank my meeting with MN for it. if i had never met with her, and decided at the age of 14 that we would NOT be awkward with boys, i wonder how i would be now. i always seem to end up being friends with these elusive uni boys. in first year it was EY, MR, VSM, MmaR, HR…i never fell under SMe’s spell. and even MMe was cool with me…i never experienced his wrath of nonsense. 
in second year i cracked OK, NM, RR…granted SL got KM…but i think i managed all the rest. 

and now im still going with these lot. 

sometimes my heart breaks a little about 1st and 2nd year. when i think about how close PP and i were, and how VSM and i were destined to be best friends by the end of medical school. how i was meant to be EY’s drinking buddy till the end. how RR was going to complain to me about girls my entire life. 
and now…theyve all finished their final year exams. and i had to delete myself off facebook..because i know i wont be able to handle seeing them all having so much fun. because i know that i dont factor in their lives at all any more. i used to be one of those people they probably thought they’d see graduating with them. and maybe it was momentarily hard to see someone fall behind…but they never had the heartbreak of experiencing it. so the fact that they could move forward consoled them and healed them and made it nice and easy to forget me. 
the people i once thought of as my friends. the people i imagined i would parade the hospitals with. that i sat with in the first lecture of the rest of my life, and looked around with and set in my concrete mind that i would graduate with. they arent any more. im not close enough to any of them to sustain any friendship of meaning. and its sad. i felt jealous this time last year, but right now, i am seething.
so i deleted my facebook until after my exams. at least i wont waste revision time with it. and i wont waste further time stalking them and making myself sad. and i wont waste the time it would take for me to recover afterwards. 

and i think about how my life is moving on in other ways. how i have a boyfriend who loves me so so so much. and that i have been with him for more than 2 and a half years. how i know that this time next year, i will be graduating. and engaged. and probably preparing a wedding. i have started some minor preparations. i ordered a couple indian bridal magazines to get me some inspiration…i need to start forming an image in my head. im meeting ST’s mum in a couple weeks. he’s really getting on with my parents.  and i have that. and its not just an immature relationship im living through uni. it’s a real deal. and thats something i have that im not sure anyone else does. 

i have to start formulating a list of friends. the kind i might invite to the wedding. so far…SN, SL, SK, CF, MN, AP. and thats all i know for sure for life. 

 

another thing i wanted to write about. i often wonder if me and ST will actually last. if this is actually love. if we will be ok. sometimes i worry when we fight..because i wonder why we’re in the relationship..and i know i dont want to feel alone, and i worry that maybe the only reason i am with him is because im scared of being alone. when i think about other guys, i find myself wondering a little about whether we would be better than i am with ST…and maybe i would be happier…
but here is a small fact. i am not worried about being alone. if me and ST didnt work…my concern would not be "i will never find anyone that will love me like he does"…my concern would be "i will never find him again". does that make sense? im not worried about being alone. i am sure i will easily meet someone else. and even maybe fall in love, and maybe even be happy. but they wont be ST. and thats what makes me sad. i could never lose him. he holds too much of my heart, and i hold too much of his. it’s like he’s all mixed in with me. he is family. more than family…he’s so entwined in me, i wouldnt think of him as not having the same blood as me. so thats how i know that i would never stray. and i would never be happy with anyone else. and it’s ok to look, and feel a little excited about a crush..it just reminds me that deep down (despite being one of the "drop out" guys), i am a silly little girl writing in her diary about a crush 🙂

 

 

to whoever wrote the note below (you know what you wrote and why).i dont usually reply in such a way, but you were pretty spineless and never left a name. "just saying" means you were "just saying" what you said to leave an effect. otherwise, you wouldn’t have "just said" it. i find that phrase abhorrent and unnecessary. 
and this entry was not a popularity contest. i am not popular. i never have been. i dont crave the attention of these boys, nor do i partake in giving them any. the only man that gets my attention is my boyfriend. if it was about popularity and wanting to be liked, i would change my personality, and flirt, and be the kind of girl that i hate (perhaps because i dont know how to do that, perhaps because i dont feel the need for it). in fact, i am no-one but myself. what this entry is about, is that fact that being myself is all i have ever needed to make friends. and im just lucky enough to have found a group of guys that i can be myself around. and they happen to be intelligent, smart, funny and good looking guys. i have a lot of respect for them, and do not wish that i was the centre of their attention. it’s ok to appreciate someone for their looks, as well as the fact that they are a nice person. and it is ok to be a fan of a person like that. it is ok to view your peers that you respect as celebrities, to be admired. not once have i said that they are faultless, if anything, i know the faults of most of them. i guess this is something you have not experienced for yourself and feel is easy to pass your own judgements on. perhaps you’re bitter because of some girl that was "never satisifed" with you? i dont know, and i dont care..but dont be a little bitch and write a stupid comment and runaway with no name. at least have the guts to identify yourself.
and if you’re referring to the fact that i deleted myself off facebook…well, im allowed to miss my friends that i had at uni. i had to repeat a year, and they didnt. time has meant we have drifted apart, and because we are on such separate paths, it’s difficult to maintain a deep friendship. i am allowed to miss my friends and be sad that i cant be on the same journey as them any more…or is that another way that i am not satisfied and want to be popular? sorry, i dont speak robot, i have emotions and form connections with people…perhaps that’s difficult for you

to understand or something?
I am entitled to be a girl in my own diary. and i am entitled to not be judged by you without being able to defend myself. this is my diary, my space, my head and my thoughts. 
perhaps you should stop trying to change the world to your standard of living and accept that people are the way they are.
ps- you clearly didnt read it all, thats a lot of text to get so bitchy about. and if you did, you clearly didnt understand it, so you shouldnt have noted at all.
didnt your mother ever teach you "if you cant say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?"…unless she’s another "highschool girl" wanting to be popular as well?

"just saying".