clarity

I like that word. clarity. it has a nice sound to it.

 

jury service has ended. I’m kinda relieved. I got bored. I sat there and drew pictures of giraffe elephants and flowers on the paper we were given to make notes with. BORED.

had a minor fight about nothing with ST yesterday. I’m not really sure what it was. but i just knew i had to go to him. I knew i had to wait for him. I just had to see him smile. that smile of relief that he gets when he sees me. I needed it. and i knew that if i didnt see it, i would stew, and cry, and eventually end up doing something stupid.

when i was on my way he called and told me to go home.

i didnt listen.

i drove and parked. in a way i was relieved to just get out of the flat. I just sat in my car. for the first hour i cried. I wept. I fumbled for some paper and started to write. I was just writing. anything that came to my head. everything i was feeling. I wrote it all down. I hadnt done anything wrong, but these words about how worthless i was just kept pouring out of my blue pen. I just wrote.

and then i thought about him, and i had to write down all the reasons i loved him. he had to know. if he was going to break up with me, he had to know why i loved him.

the second hour i sat in silence. I sat in the back seat with my feet propped up between the driver and passenger seats. I sat in pure silence. I barely even flinched. I just sat there. I watched people walk around me. I watched the sun get further and further away. I watched the car steam up and i moved a little to open the door to let it cool down.

i was surrounded by the thickness of my own heat. but i was too scared to move. to still to care. I hadnt decided if i wanted him to see me or not. so i just sat. by the time 9pm drew closer i started wondering if he’d be home soon. I started wondering if it was worth calling him. I kept thinking about what to do.

i decided to stick around till 10, and if he didnt show by then, call him, and go from there.

he showed up at about 9.40pm.

he smiled. and the relief that washed over me was enough to make me want to pass out. I didnt need anything else.

he sat in the car. he turned on the cooler fans. I had a waft of him blown my way. and a tear rolled down my cheek, i forgot to write that in. the way he smells. the fact that the way he smells makes me so calm. he still seemed pissed off.

he told me to come sit in the front, and i said no. he rolled the seat back and lay in front of me. I couldnt bare to look at him.

we talked a little like this for a while. he would wipe away my tears from time to time. we sorted through everything. he told me to not worry so much and get so upset about this stuff, it was just minor. I told him it wasnt the stuff that bothered me. it was him who i took seriously. he told me i cared too much about him. I think about him too much. it wasnt good for me.

eventually i climbed into the front seat. he looked at me and told me i was the best. I asked him why. “because you think about me so much, no one else thinks about me, no one else cares about me, but you do, and i take it all for granted.”

redemption. realisation. clarity.

another tear rolled down my cheek. finally he understands. finally he can see how much i love him. I didnt say anything. in fact i told him it wasnt true.

i gave him the little booklet of a diary entry i made. he read the first page. he stopped and put it down. I asked him to read it. just so that he could understand the emotions i went through before he got there. he said no. he told me he was scared. he was scared about what might be written and he didnt want to read it.

i had written that i wanted to cut myself. but that i had to be strong and it was good that i wasnt at home to do it. I also wrote that i was contemplating smashing my car into an iron fence or a brick wall or drowning it into a river. anything to make me feel something. he never read those bits. I took the pieces about why i loved him and gave them to him to read.

he read them all and smiled that smile and kissed me.

later he told me that it wasnt really my fault i got upset. “you’re easy to handle, you dont say things to upset me. I say things that upset you. I just say stupid things and they upset you, but you dont say that stuff.”

 

just some bits and pieces that have been knocking about my head. I dont know why. I just had to write them down.

i got a letter from my GP. I think i have diabetes. I’m scared to book an appointment. I’m so scared shes going to tell me i have it. and my life will fall apart. so im avoiding it. like revision for an exam. I have it in front of me. to remind myself to do it, but i keep pushing it away. pushing it out of my head. away from myself.

enough.