burnt cigarettes

i had another nightmare last night where i was fighting my family.

i ended up missing 4 alarms. it was like my subconcious was pulling me into my own head. like i HAD to watch the nightmare. i HAD to know what happened, i wasnt allowed to wake from it.

this one has shook me. normally in my nightmares, my sister is shouting at me. fighting at me. telling me this and that. this time it was me. this time i took control, and i reigned it in, and i let loose.

we were at a family friends house. i havent seen this family for years now. their daughter used to be my best friend. her older brother my best bully. and their younger sister was stubborn and cute. theyve all grown up just as i have, and i dont see them any more.

my sister and mum and dad and brother had gone out with everyone, it was their son’s birthday, and i was left back at their house with Aunty K and the youngest daughter. we were watching something on the tv in her sons room. for some reason she wasnt allowed in his room, so she would sneak in when he was out and watch tv. i kept pacing the room. something had happened. Aunty K was telling me about how her son was a good kid, but she knew he lied to her. her older daughter had an exam the next day. it was a situation i couldnt get myself into.

as i was pacing the room i noticed in the furthest corner next to the windows a couple of roaches from a cigarette and a joint. Aunty K noticed i had seen something and asked me what it was. i said nothing. she had a look that told me she knew. she knew her son smoked, but she couldnt say or do anything about it.

Aunty K proceeded to tell me that it was ok, and i didnt have to worry about protecting her son, that she already knew, and she didnt know what to do. i was telling her not to worry, that he was old enough to make his own decisions.

next thing i know my sister charges in with my mum on her tail. my sister starts putting her thoughts and feelings into action. belittling me and patronising me and twisting everything so that i felt like shit. telling me that it wasnt really appropriate of me to give advice to Aunty K. and to come downstairs and not make a scene in front of everyone.

she pushed past mum and told her to get out of her way. this riled me.

downstairs, my dad and brother began bitching about my mum to Aunty K and Uncle K. their older daughter, my best friend, was at the computer studying. silently. she had a look on her face suggesting that she was listening to what they were all saying. that she agreed with them. and hated me and my mum for ruining her study schedule.

i tried to keep the peace, and just told everyone to stop talking about it. that it wasnt appropriate. but they wouldnt stop. my sister started telling me to shut up. to mind my own business.

and i snapped. i stood up and shouted. i stood up and told them to shut the fuck up. my brother tried to tell me to shut up, but i walked straight over to him and told him right back, that i wouldnt shut up, that he needed to shut up. that he was disrespectful and rude. that all he was saying was complete bullshit. i did the same to my dad. my sister was wearing my jumper. the jumper i wear all the time. that was my dads originally. i demanded my jumper back. she said it wasnt mine, and i responded telling her dad gave it to me. she still didnt take it off. i was screaming at her now, demanding my jumper back. i tried to take it off her, but she ran upstairs.

everyone downstairs was in tears. i had started crying in frustration. the oldest daughter had got up to leave. i went over to her and told i was sorry. that i was so sorry. i hugged her, but she never hugged me back. mum took me away from her and she left the room confused, upset and loathing me. a bit like AM.

my sister threw the jumper downstairs in the mean time. she followed soon after and i shouted at her. told her she was a bitch. she was wrong. that they all had to stop fighting at mum. that i was sick and tired of it. i was screaming in their faces. not allowing them to speak when i was speaking.

and i woke up.

i was meant to leave home at 9am for a 10am lecture. i woke up at 10.30.

my alarms all gone. like i never set them. but i know i did. i know i set at least 4 alarms. at 7.40, 8, 8.07, 8.15.

so i woke up in shock. in panic. i slept at 4am last night. so even though i overslept, i still underslept. ive only been getting about 5 hours sleep a night for the last week. because of what happened at home.

and if my mood swings and issues werent enough. if anyone thought i was making it up. that i was over-reacting. that i was playing up to it….surely my dreams say enough?

that at least once a week i am tormented by this faux-fights with family.

the nightmares started in september. i guess after i got back from brazil. and they used to be less frequent. but now its at least once a week. at least once a fortnight.

what panics me most is that they are feasible. and that my brain wants me to watch them. my brain wants my body to go through the emotions. despite the fact that i go through them every day. im scared that the lines of reality are beginning to blur with fantasy. and one day maybe i wont be able to escape.

when will i be free?