Bottomless Bottomful

I wrote the following on the flight back home from Miami. i forgot to write it in the diary. here it is:

 

21st June 2010

 

the more and more i think about it, the less and less i believe in fate. we make our own fate. we forge our own destinies. we walk our desired path.

the more trapped i feel, the more i need to write. the more trapped i feel the more i start to wish i wasnt born into this life i have.

i love the life i have on my own. i love my boyfriend, my freedom, my ability to feel like i can finally go with the flow. but then remember remember…your other life.

why are my parents so tied up in complicated politics?

any why must people judge me?

why is it assumed i must be happy?

no. not happy. why do people assume its ok to hate me just because everything appears to be good?

my relationship with my boyfriend, is MY relationship. and it is next to perfect. he loves me, and thats all i need to know. i was fated to marry rich. i make my own fate.

yes, we fight. who doesnt?

i will say ONE thing about the cutting. it was not HIM that made me cut. it was me who hurt myself, it was me that became weak. it was my choice to reach for the scissors. it was me that cracked. it was not just him shouting at me. it was EVERYTHING.sometimes i feel as though im making an excuse for him. had it been my mother/sister or anyone else shouting at me, i would have done it.

i still have nightmares. i still wake up shivering in cold sweat. lately the things thats been eating at me was what ST said when we were fighting. i scare him. my scars scares him. my tears in the night scare him. i remind him of when his dad would beat him. beat his brother. beat his mum.

i scare him.

how does the fear-mongerer protect the person who’s scared of them?

im on this flight back from miami. initially i was excited. i cant wait to get back and see ST. to hug my mum. to watch the tv ive missed. to sleep decently. to find a job. to start reading a new book. to start studying a bit. but i was trying to sleep, and reality hit me. mum will not be ok. my dad will not let me be independent. ST might have forgotten me. i might have diabetes.

my world comes crashing down.

and to top it off SK is in one of those “cant be bothered with YOU” moods, that she will deny if i ask her, and wont want to talk to me either way.

i start wishing this plane would crash as well.

i start feeling trapped.

i start wishing i had ST’s arms around me. i start wondering why i was born into the life i was born into.

im lost in dilemma and love, im not drowning. i know where to go. i just dont know where the path i choose will take me.

i cant help but feel i lose either way.