birthday week
birthday week is upon me.
i havent updated in a while and i figure now is about as good a time as ever.
last couple of weeks with ST have been a bit emotional but we’ve both talked it out a bit here and there and everything feels good again.
ive been uber frustrated with myself.
i really thought hard about why i was so miserable all the time. and i thought about when i was last truly genuinely happy. on top of the world. and it was the day i had my uni interview. feb 14th 2006. i remember walking to the building. i remember meeting other people. i remember being led to the holding room. and i remember my name being called 10 mins early. i remember 15 minutes of talking non stop, flowing with enthusiasm. and i remember leaving the building feeling high. lighter than air. feeling like my life was on track. the past 5 years of family torment and failing grades was over. my life would take off again. i was sure i had got in, i was sure of what i was doing, i was happy with work, my dreams and future was finally coming together.
5 years ago i imagined lots of things for myself.
1) July 2012 i would be a doctor.
2) by that time i would have 4 publications
3) i would meet someone at uni and have a boyfriend.
4) my parents may have had their problems, but it would sort out eventually.
5) my brother would be happily married and would stop throwing up
6) my sister would meet a guy and be married
7) i would make tonnes of good friends at uni.
8) i would finally lose weight
9) i would be able to drive.
10) i would be happy.
my life has not worked out the way i thought it would. i only have 2 publications. my parents are falling apart. my brother is not happily married nor has he stopped throwing up. my sister has not met anyone and her sadistic ways split us apart. i made some good friends at uni…not masses..im not that upset about it..but i had potential. i havent lost any weight..if anything ive put on loads. i can drive..that was a big achievement. and i didnt meet ST at uni, but i met him nonetheless, and hes pretty much the only thing that has happened in my life as i wanted it to. but not without struggle.
so i get scared im going to lose him. so i cling. and i fret. and i panic.
i know that the only way to get my life back on track is to make those changes that i want. but there are some aspects of it that i cant change. that dont involve me, but still have an effect on my happiness. i cant make my dad trust my mum. i cant make her happier. i cant do anything about my brother and sister. and i know i have to make the rest of the changes myself. its just taking me a while to adjust.
this all came about when i realised i was turning 24 and not at all where i thought i would be at this age.
now that ive accepted it…i just have to deal with it. but accepting it has made me calm down a lot.
im not scared that ST is going anywhere. i know he loves me. so i need to stop being so scared that hes leaving me. yes he has said some horrible things to me in the past. but hes also said some wonderful things. what is the point of focussing on things that he didnt even mean said at high emotion injunctures when i could focus on all the love and happiness we have?
i feel like this birthday is not really happening. like its still ages away. but its not. its less than a week.
ive organised a night out. and ive got a dress to wear. and even shoes. booked in for a haircut. gonna look good potentially…but..i just dont feel right. i want it to be someone elses birthday im dressing up for. with all my friends. and my stuff…just for someone else. like if it were ST’s birthday instead..everything set up for me but for everyone else. just to ease the pressure off me. i dont want to be the only one drunk. i dont want to be the only one wanting to party. i just want to feel…like everyone is having fun. and i dont know if thats going to happen. i hate this. i hate this feeling that no one will have fun. this happens every year..and i think everyone has fun..but then im also the only one smashed out my head and the only one who thinks its a night to remember. ugh. i guess thats the point though? right?
i dont even know what i want for my birthday. its almost like there are so many things and yet none of them worthy to ask for. i got a dress to wear from my mum. and i asked my dad to get some laser hair removal treatment..and then thats it. maybe i shoulda gone for something bigger with my dad like asking to get some lipo-suction or something. eugh why is this so difficult. ST keeps asking me what i want..and i just dont know. part of me just wants an amazing day out. and by amazing..i mean…massages, pedicures, afternoon tea..i just want some yumminess. indulgence. thats what i want. but thats so expensive. and way too much to ask from him..and thats not fair. all i bought was a stinky pair of earphones which have already gone bust for him. it needs to be something else. i could ask for some jewellery…cant go wrong with that i suppose. or clothes. or anything really i guess. most of all..i just wanted to be surprised. i wanted him to think of something to get me himself. and i wanted him to surprise me with it. i just wanted him to show a little effort…even if he ends up getting something less than spectacular…and boring and not really what i want or need…the fact that he thought that i wanted it, and went to the effort to get it would be enough. blah.
my birthday is also my deadline. i cant piss about after my birthday. i have to get serious about studying so im really dreading it.
there was a whole lot of other things i wanted to write about. but i cant bring myself to.
SK has turned a point in her life. and part of it is really bothering me. she is kind of depressed…shes got a new job she hates and shes realised a lot of things about life and how depressing and frustrating it is. she admitted that she now gets what i went through 2 years ago…she almost apologised for not understanding. and she is down. i tried talking her out of it. i think im helping. and i feel bad for her. because nothing is worse than the loneliness. and im trying to be there for her. but im kinda pissed off.
despite all of this..and deep and meaningf
ul couple of texts shes sent me..im still always put aside for others. like im not asking for her to suddenly love me and be my friend..but i just know, i KNOW that come my birthday…for SOME reason she wont be able to make it. just like the last 3 years…whenever ive REALLY had a reason for her to come over or attend an event..shes flaked. i know for a FACT that shes coming down this weekend…and i know she’ll want to be here as soon as possible…but chances are that on my birthday, something will come up to prevent her from coming. and yet…miraculously she’ll be free for PS and SG the following day. i know i need to accept the fact that shes just like that…but part of me always continues to hope that maybe JUST MAYBE she’ll surprise me. we’ll see.
i mean seriously…ive been with ST for over a year and she still hasnt met him. its just so high and mighty of her.
anyway..im just fed up. and freaked out. and frustrated. about everything that i should just be happy about.