backtrack

its been precisely 10 months.

2.30pm. i cut myself.

 

im sorry.

 

i had a fight with ST. with everything going on, on top of everything, i couldnt get a couple of weeks leniance. i couldnt get a couple of weeks of understanding.

he couldnt just watch what he said to me while i was oversensitive these two weeks i have to write up my dissertation.

 

a 50 page dissertation due on friday, my family falling apart from the seams, i have a UTI which i dont have to sort out cos i dont have time to go to the GP, i sleep 5 hours a night, i dont have food so i starve myself and then order in cos i dont have time to get groceries, i have constant back pain from the UTI, a dodgy period, and a boyfriend who doesnt care.

i live in solitude in a flat filled with bad memories. i have to cook and clean everything myself. i do my own washing, i buy my own groceries, i do it all by me. i dont have someone else to do it.

i had only myself to bring myself out of depression. i couldnt get support from anywhere.

im doing it all myself.

 

so i got weak. im sorry.

its like my leg had been craving it, i bled almost instantaneously. or im just getting good at it.

 

he just kept shouting at me. telling me i was childish and immature. that he couldnt deal with my problems. im a burden. im just a burden to everyone. i try everything to stop myself from being one. i give people heads-up on why i act the way i do. only to him they sound like excuses. to him it sounds like crap. like bullshit. so he doesnt listen. so when it happens, im a burden. he just kept shouting, and i snapped in my head, i couldnt take it any more. i wasnt allowed to apologise cos it would make no difference. i wasnt allowed to explain myself because it was just another excuse. and i felt trapped. suffocated. alone. and i couldnt stop listening. because i knew if i hung up i wouldnt know when i would hear from him again. and i knew if i hung up it would only hurt me more. so i cut while he shouted. and i kept quiet. and he carried on.

and now i have a painful scar and nothing has gone away. i still have a 50 page dissertation. my family is still falling apart from the seams. i still have a UTI and back ache to follow. i doubt i’ll be able to sleep any more than i already do. and i have no appetite. my period is still dodgy. and who knows about the boyfriend.

i still live in solitude. in a flat that has more bad memories. i will still have to cook and clean myself. i will still have to do my own washing. i will have to buy my own groceries.

and now i have to make up for lost time on pulling myself out of depression. i still dont have much support from anywhere.

its all on me.