asking for forgiveness

 i should write about it.

so ST met my parents. and it went…good. it all seems kinda dream like now that i think back to it. we were both ridiculously nervous. but it went well. i wish it had been a longer time. or i wish it had been briefer. i dont really know how i feel about it. it’s done. it’s one less thing to think about. and now i can lie a little less about what im doing in my spare time and actually tell my parents when im with him. 

it was kinda nice that they were joined again. they were a unit again. and if anything comes from all this, at least my parents will be further bound together. maybe ST can be the force that does it. the force that makes them remember they are husband and wife and have children they have to look after. it can only help right?

my dad has lost weight. even ST noticed a difference from pictures he’s seen. his arms are looking spindly. i dont know if its a genetic thing…where he’s losing weight in the same places as my grand-dad did. or whether there is actually something more sinister going on. i am very aware of it after what happened to SL’s dad. 

mum looked cute. she wore a sari. a christmas sari as she put it (red with green borders). she really looked lovely.

after i drove him back to work. and went to SK’s house. gave out presents, received some and then we headed to my parent’s place for christmas eve party?

it was annoying. i sort of went into it annoyed, spent it settled, and came out of it annoyed. my sister slobbered all over SK and me. and it was frustrating. SK described it as awkward. thing is, i dont feel awkward. i couldnt give 2 shits if i spent the whole night not saying a single word to her. what made it awkward were her attempts to act like a sister. and i found it irritating. and the more she climbed all over us, the more i backed away. eventually she got the picture and we all managed to play pictionary. it was ok. thank GOD SK was with me though. 

we had dinner. everyone was merry. i got a slight brief indication from my mum that she was happy with ST…and eventually, my dad told me he was very happy too. i saw my mum laugh. for the first time in years she laughed. laughed so all her teeth were exposed and her eyes were scrunched up. she came out with a couple of dodgy jokes. she was happy. and just seeing that made me fill up with happiness. so that was some relief. and i left, and took SK with me and dropped her home. 

i then went to ST’s hotel and spent up until today there. i opened my presents from my parents, and of course, my sister. and needless to say, i am ANGRY. 

first of all, she (on behalf of my parents) bought me a veg cookbook, which i wouldnt have minded, if it wasnt some random chef, i dont know, and i dont know him because i distinctly dislike him. 
secondly, she (personally) bought me a story book. "the story of truce". the attempt of emotional blackmail that wept and oozed from this book is disgusting. disgusting isnt strong enough a word. repulsive. no. repugnant. yes thats the word. repugnant. it was shameless and putrid. how DARE she. how the fucking hell DARE she give me that? not only was it an attempt of emotional blackmail, (just like the good old days of emotional abuse) the word TRUCE implies that both parties are wrong. 

I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

and this is why, this is why i know she has not, and WILL not change. and this is why, i want nothing to do with her. because she is sitting on her high horse thinking "yeah i guess i did something wrong, but im not apologising for it because im too arrogant, and she’s only not talking to me to get back at me". she clearly thinks im not talking to her because i want to punish her, make her suffer, hurt her back. 

i stopped fucking talking to her because it was damaging to my mental health. not because im a petty-minded bitch. i stopped talking to her FOR MYSELF. i realised that i didnt need EVIL THINGS IN MY LIFE. i realised that the only way of sorting myself and my life out was to CUT HER OUT. just like i cut out old friends who have done me wrong. JUST BECAUSE SHE IS FAMILY does not give her the right to treat me the way she did. SO I CUT HER OUT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT HER IN MY LIFE. not to fucking get back at her.

but she doesnt get it. she will never get it. because the difference is that i never did anything wrong. and that is why she will never understand it. because if i was as terrible and heartless and horrible and evil as she made me out to be, if i did all the awful things she blamed me for, if i was literally the person she told everyone was and made me feel and believe i was, SHE WOULD HAVE HAD TO CUT ME OUT. but she didnt. because she knew i didnt do anything. i wasnt horrible. im not evil. and instead of accept what she had done to herself, i was a life-line that kept her believing she was a good person. and when i cut that line and removed her from my life, she had to accept it. but she didnt. she seeks to replace me. she turned on my mum’s helper. on my mum. she befriends these younger girls just to fill the void. and its apparantly STILL my fault. because the fact that she’s having to do all that, is because i cut her off. that fact that i chose to remove her from my life, is me trying to get back at her. 

if im entirely honest, for once my life is going the way i want it to. i am HAPPY. i am fucking HAPPY. i have a wonderful man, that my parents like. i am finally passing exams without repeating any. i have good friends when i need them. and i do not take bullshit any more. i have not burnt any bridges. i am truly happy. for ONCE i can see a future for myself. and it might be scary, but im sort of excited knowing that she’s not in it. SO, why the fuck would i care if she’s feeling bad? the reason i dont "make friends" with her, is because i know it will only open a can of hatred and control. and i dont need it in my life. i can be civil as society needs it, but i have no need to bring her into my life. so she can stay the fuck out. she can burn in hell for all i care. i dont care where she is working. i dont care if she’s getting married. i dont care if she has friends. i dont care. what i DO care about is my life. and i just want her to keep out. 

ST suggested that she might be trying to say sorry. asking for forgiveness is very different for asking for a truce. im sure there are plenty of little emotionally blackmailing books on how to say sorry. im not being funny, but she is 30 years old. and i am supposed to be her LITTLE sister. she destroyed my life. she can fucking SAY "IM SORRY" if thats what she wants. it doesnt mean everything will flip to how it was. it never will. i never want her in my life again. and i will not start talking to her just to ease her conscious. she can do that by accepting the fact t

hat i dont want her in my life. i experience no joy in watching her pine for a relationship with me. the mere sight of her face makes me feel sick. so she can just stay away from me. 

it still surprises me when i think back to that time. that dark time. a time when it would make me cry to look into the mirror because i shared her features. i still remember the feeling of wanting to rip off my skin and wanting to bleed into the carpet. i still remember the mini-breakdowns and spirals. and she didnt give a fucking damn. and she still doesnt.

i still have nightmares. and i still find myself phased out in a trance. usually when im stressed. stressed about family. stressed about life. but those are my demons. and one day i will have to either confront it, or move on from it. and even if i dont, i will always have ST by my side to support me. and that is enough for me. i am happy.