and im never gonna let you go my dear

its the christmas aftermath and im happy and stressed at the same time.

ST and i had a 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and pretty much 10th date.

he came over on christmas eve eve evening, and showed me his new jacket. he looked soo hot in it. he ended up staying over again and instead of acting like we werent going to sleep in the same bed, he slept in my bed with me. it was comfy as per usual. and yummy. we made out in the middle of the night and we got hot. there was some dry sex. i got freaked out, we stopped and he fell asleep as did i. the next morning, it happened all over again. but i felt more comfortable with it. i even felt his…manhood. it was hot.

i then had to get going to go to SL’s home for christmas eve. we both showered, and he dropped me off at victoria station. i love kissing him randomly. i love looking up at him into his big brown eyelash laden eyes. i love the way he looks at me. ive noticed ive started doing that thing. ive started giving him the look. that look. the one where you just look at them. you could look at them for hours. all i could keep thinking was that i had so much admiration for this man that loved me so much. i felt myself falling a little for him every time he blinked. every time he smiled. every time he leaned in and kissed my cheek.

he loves me. i said i was sorry i couldnt say it yet. he told me to take my time. i love him. i do love him. but i love him like i love RR. like i love SL. like i love SK. im not in love with him yet. im not in love. but i do love him. i care for him so much. i know hes the one. i just feel it. i can see my life with him. and he cares about me sooo much. i will never know why. i will never understand it.

i spent christmas eve at SL’s place. we watched the royal variety show. i havent watched it for years. it seemed so rubbish compared to usual. it used to be so funny. and now its just..tacky.
i slept for a good 10hours, woke up on christmas day, and aunty gave me a lift to SK’s place. i got there at 11ish and i had possibly the best christmas ever. it was so much fun. we just chilled. it was awesome. i helped her wrap presents. and played with her little cousins. we talked and laughed ate too much and had an awesome day and evening all around. was so fun. her cousins are hilarious. i stayed at SK’s, and on boxing day, we sat around and ate some more and watched some tv. i had a minor argument with ST, and eventually i left SK’s and met him at victoria. he stayed over again last night 🙂

over dinner we talked a bit. he asked me what i did last year. i reaccounted it for him. a time before i had this diary. when i had only myself a pair of scissors and a heart of hurt. i told him how i had a massive row with my mum. how she cared little for me. made me weep all christmas night into boxing day. he told me to not worry. he held my hand. and told me i had him. and that everything would be ok. i do this thing. ive noticed it. since coming away from all the hurt and pain. when i think back to it, i phase out. my eyes grow wide and darken. my face is blank and expressionless. i just get flashbacks of turmoil and hurt. i cant see anything for miles. just hazy images through blurred teary eyes. ST noticed it, and commented on it when i realised. he said he could tell, and thats why he was encouraging me to look forward. to look at him. to realise i didnt have to ever go there again now he was in my life. im a lucky girl.

after dinner we clambered into my bed. it was yummy. we had some more dry sex. i got closer. we spent so much time just lieing in bed together. it was delightful. we giggled and laughed and rolled around. was gorgeous. eventually we nodded off. in the middle of the night i woke up uncomfortable cos i was on the wrong side of the bed. i told him to switch with me. he got out of bed and walked around. turned out to be about 7am. he cuddled up to me and got amorous. i touched him and tried to give him a handjob. he didnt enjoy it and wanted me to go further. he asked a couple times even though i said no. i got annoyed. he said sorry. then we ended up having some MORE dry sex. what is wrong with me?!
i got really quite close. suddenly he got up and said it was too intense and he just left me lieing bed half naked and cold and alone. i started crying. he came back (i later found out he went to finish off what had been started). he found me crying. i got so mad at him for leaving me like that. he just abandoned me. he just left me instead of talking to me. he promised to never do it again. we kissed and made up. had breakfast. i made him blueberry pancakes. after eating we sat and talked for a while. i was saying something, and he was just looking at me listening to what i was saying, and i just stopped mid sentence and smiled. he was looking up at me. and OMG he looked SOOOOOOOOOOOO hot. soo sooo sooooooo hot. and i just didnt know what to say or do. hes grown his beard a little, and he looks soooo good. and hes gonna do the stupid thing and shave it off for work. which is totally bumming me out. i liiiiiiiiiiked his beaaaaaaaaaaaard. grrr.
after that we ended up going back to my bed and making out some more. we got amorous again, and he ended up making me cum. he fiddled with me down below over my pj bottoms. and then eventually i ended up in my knickers and he had pushed his thumb into my pussy. ive been worried im making myself too loose. im still incredibly tight. he told me to work on it…eep! apparantly when i came i hurt his thumb cos i clamped on him too hard. he said he was scared that when it eventually came to having sex with me, it wouldnt just hurt me.

eventually we got out of bed, got dressed, went and had some nandos dinner and he walked me back. initially with the intention of coming back to mine. i told him to go home and that i needed to study. i havent started as of yet, but i just need to settle a little. its been a bit hectic. i have so much to do and im beginning to panic that i had no time. its been too much fun with ST. and now im scared im not even going to pass my exams. the fear has begun. but not in a good way. or rather in a good way, but im still too relaxed. shit.

i need to get studying. ive wasted 4 days doing nothing but having fun.

im gonna re-read the essays i wrote tonight. look over the topics i need to read over.

then tomorrow start a brand new module. one of the harder ones. but im gonna battle on.

wish me luck.

right now im just looking forward to the new year. having someone to spend it with. someone to love me in the new year. for once my resolutions wont include finding myself a boyfriend.

i know they will include getting a 2.1, losing weight, getting happier, wearing my glasses every day (again)…i will make a full list when it hits january 1st.
i really cant wait for the new year. a fresh new start for a brand new year. its not going to be a new leaf. im going to stop hiding

under the leaf. im going to be happy. for once in my life im going to be happy.