amusing bushes

so i tried the blowjob thing again last night. but i didnt enjoy it like i did last time.

firstly, it did not taste of nothing. there was a slight taste of…i dont know, but not nothing. and i didnt like the taste. and it was all odd, cos he had had a shower before bed.

secondly, he wasnt as hard as last time. it was a bit squishy.

thirdly, he made a request to “suck it”. which is what i ended up doing. this was tricky. although i could hear him really really enjoying it (i was given a lot of “fuck….oh fuck….yeah….i love you”)…i didnt get much from it. there was nothing sensuous about it. besides the fact that i also had to watch my teeth didnt get in the way.

4thly, while i was improvising away from the “suck” task, i liked the tip a little, and found my tongue settle in the groove of the head of his penis. this was weird. when i delved a little further, i almost went INTO the penis. this was weirder. i backed away at this point. feeling a bit gross. and wondering if he had noticed. i dont know if my tongue is abnormally small, or his hole is abnormally large? maybe not given i wasnt exactly sliding in. either way, i imagined it must have hurt a little.

finally, what grossed me out most, is that my mouth was plagued with a taste i have never tasted before. precum. a starter before the main meal. an amuse bouche. a small taster of the real thing. and i did NOT like it. it freaked me out. and thats when i stopped. he kept apologising for it. i imagine he understands its difficult for me.

i tried this whole blowjob process twice..the second time was better. i ignored the precum taste left in my already tainted mouth. i tried a different tact and found my tongue in the space between his penis and balls. he kept jerking. he kept pushing me away. i asked him what was wrong, he told me he found it ticklish…”its a new experience, ive never felt that before”. thats when we stopped altogether. maybe for fear i might try and do it again, maybe he was almost there. maybe he decided he had enough. who knows?

he asked me if he should stand up at one point. this actually insulted me. he asked me why i didnt want him to, and i said because it would become less intimate. i know he asked to make it easier for me…but the image of him standing 6ft1 above me, while i worked my mouth on his cock seemed demeaning. i did not want to feel like a whore. i was not giving him a blowjob purely for sex. the first time was a very connecting and binding and almost romantic thing for me. i did not want to turn it into a sexualised distant thing. i liked lying against his leg. i liked feeling his breathing change against my ear. i liked being able to move above his body to adjust where i was. i liked being able to slide to his mouth so i could kiss him.

i did not want to be dominated by him and made to feel like i was servicing him. so when he asked if he should stand up, it took the romance and love away from it, and i didnt like it.

of course he wouldnt understand that…to him, he was trying to do me a favour. but for me…it made me feel like a whore.

 

when hes doing stuff with me, i cum harder and quicker when hes close to me. i feel detached when hes buried somewhere under the duvet against my stomach. i would prefer him to go slowly or not at all if it meant his lips were close to mine. i need to be able to whisper i love you and feel his lips against mine and feel warmer and hotter and like i couldnt live without him. otherwise i might as well have a dildo.

 

last night was odd though. we kept breaking out in fits of giggles and jokes. he said it put him off. i told him it was a turn on for me. it was kinda odd…last night, i felt like i was enjoying my sex life with my boyfriend. he kept tickling me and making me scream and he found it hilarious. and then he would touch me. here and there and everywhere. and we kissed. a lot. i cant help but feel that this must be what the magazines rave about. “a healthy sex life you both enjoy”. it was guilt-free. it was fun. it was natural. and i felt closer to him.

lately every day or night i spend with him seems to feeling more and more special. more and more unique. more and more like there is some memory and meaning tucked away for me to reminisce about one day…

he talks to me more these days as well. generally, and after the bedtime stuff. before he would just sleep. now he listens to me. he jokes with me.

and its not me thats overreacting so much any more. ive completely relaxed into the relationship. yes i cry here and there. but nothing that isnt resolved entirely. this is me without pressure in my life.

this is me.

 

i had a nightmare again last night. my sister and i and ST were all in one bed. ST was hiding. but he wasnt. he was sort of lurking under the covers next to me. my sister was doing her whole “fake concern” thing. she kept saying things though. dropping hints of disgust. trying to act supportive for me and ST. i was physically hurting her. everything she said, i retaliated with a pinch, scratch, punch and slap. eventually she got up out of bed, and i breathed a sigh of relief. ST emerged from the covers and we cuddled..but my sister returned. ST clearly in sight, she started dropping threats. about telling mum and this and that. eventually she left again, and i told ST to hide. he wouldnt listen to me though. i kept begging him to at least duck under the covers just in case. but he wouldnt let go of me. i kept saying to him it would be the end of us if he didnt just listen to me for 5 minutes. eventually he relented but it was too late. mum had walked into the room. she started wailing and shouting at me “hai bhagwan, hai bhagwan”…i could sense in her voice she was disgusted with me. “my own daughter, unmarried daughter, so it was true what her sister told me, she is sleeping in a bed with a grown man….in the flat she told me he hadnt been in…in the bed with her…the whore”.

i woke up in a fright just as she had begun pulling the covers off.

i clung to ST. i begged him to hold me. to tell me it was ok.

i asked him if what we were doing was right. he said “yes, we’re in love”. i asked him what he would say if God stood before us. he told me didnt believe in God in that way. i changed my tack and asked him what he would say if my mum was standing before us. he said “HELLOO!!!”. it was not funny. i was freaking out. eventually he understood and hugged me in his sleep s

tate, and told me not to worry, because it wouldnt happen, and that he loved me, and we would be ok.

i feel like the dream was a sign. a message to tell me to slow down. that its one thing letting him into my flat, another to let him sleep in my bed, but entirely another to enjoy a sex life here.

so no more blowjobs in my flat? i guess…

 

7 days till i hit New York and Miami. i cant wait to just relax. to feel all the muscles in my back unknot themselves. im gonna miss him so much. we make a pretty perfect match. i like the ice-cream, he eats the cone. 🙂