ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

2 weeks and going strong. tiny hiccup here and there, but nothing that isnt riddled with insecurities only looking to be calmed and settled.

wednesday was our third date and it was as wonderful as ever. perhaps more wonderful than the other 2 if thats even possible? we met at the station and kissed. it was incredible. only because i had been craving his lips for ages. i felt sooooo much like i belong to him. and i love being his.

i was so tired on wednesday. car trouble preceeded by a sleepless night with SL, made me exhausted. so meeting him was the highlight of a crappy day. and kissing him made me relax immediately. we then walked hand in hand to anywhere we could find to possibly eat. we ended up at Prezzo. He had a goats cheese and asparagus pizza, i had mushroom risotto. i was so tired, and he noticed it from the way i was sitting and talking. but it was so nice being in his company. before and after the plates of food, he held my hands over the table. played with my fingers. looked at my nails. it felt sooo lovely. i like that he plays with my hands, that hes comfortable enough to take them. to fiddle with them. to feel them.

after a slow comfy dinner, he paid the bill, and we left the restaurant. we kissed when we got outside. it was lovely and comfy and warm and relationship-py. then we walked to the cinema hand in hand. when we got there, i paid for the ticket (orange wednesdays!) and we went to see 2012. rubbish movie, but it was perfect. it was nice and long so i could spend ages all snuggled up to him, and there were some violent bits i could hide from and there were some boring bits we could make out during. and we diiiiiiiid. and the making out was amaaaaazing. he had his hand on my knee, and i was wrapped around his arm with my head on his shoulder. and just sometimes i would whisper something, he would respond and look deep into my eyes and kiss me. yumyumyum. at one point we really started kissing quite a lot. and i wanted to some more, but i stopped myself. for some reason with him, i always stop myself. im too scared of being a ho with him. i dont want him to switch on me. and i dont want him to think less of me. he played with my hands and kissed my fingers and fiddled with my knees during the whole movie. i was soooooooooooo comfy on his shoulder. he makes me feel so small in comparison to his broad muscly shoulders and arms. mmmmmmmm yum. after the movie he kissed me again once we were ready to go and we left the theatre. he held me close to him on the escalator and then walked me home my hand in his.

on the walk home he kept stopping to kiss me. i wanted him to push me up against the wall and really kiss me and want me and lust for me. but of course he didnt. and im super-glad he didnt. at one point the kissing got intense again, and i could feel him pulling me closer and tighter to him but i stopped it. and told him to slow down. and he did. he walked me all the way up to my flat. and we said our goodbyes at the gates in front of the building. i couldnt bare to let him goooo. part of me wanted to just stay right in that spot for the whole night. just holding him close to me and kissing me. he took my face in his hands and realised how cold i was. he kissed me while holding my cheeks. his hands melted away as he kissed my left cheek. a little further…my jaw…my chin…oh god i wanted him to kiss my neck and stay there forever. eventually i pushed him away and told him to go home otherwise we’d end up there all night and day and night again. he sadly said bye.

he reaaaaaaaaally cares about me. really really really. he told me my kisses taste of lemon tarts and he was sorry he couldnt control himself when he kissed me and i asked him to slow down. what a sweetheart. hes my boyfriend. my ST. all mine 😀

he almost said i love you. but im disregarding it as it was following a mini argument and i want it to mean something when he says it, not just a means to end an argument. and its only been 2 weeks. well, we’ve set the date to be when i first expressed an interest him on the dating site which wasssssssss….26th November 2009 🙂

which meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnssss…boxing day is our 1 month lol

our first date was the 5th December. our first kiss on the 11th December.

im seeing him tomorrow. hes gonna come help me buy and decorate a christmas tree (yeah ive left it a bit late this year). im a little worried about him coming over to the flat. and i warned him i might suddenly change my mind because i might not be completely comfortable with it, but that i would let him know. he said he could understand, and that he wouldnt mind if i did. how wonderful is that? no questions, he just accepted it. yumyumyum.

to be honest, im just looking forward to spending time with him. i think hes quite excited about coming over and stuff. but i said it was a pretty big step for me. and im wondering if its too big? i trust him. i think. i like him. and hes not asked to come over. ive not felt pressured and like he feels like he has to come over. i thought it myself. but im wondering if im just thinking its convenient rather than actually being ok with it. like having these big plans to do this and that. perhaps only because its what boyfriends and girlfriends do? i dunno. i mean im too scared to even kiss him passionately. what is that? with other guys ive gone to second base in the space of a few hours. so why am i so cautious with ST? its good i guess. but i dont want to push myself or convince myself to do something im not happy with. but i do want him to come help me decorate the tree and stuff so i dont have to do it alone.

last night he told me that he was sorry no one was here for me to help me through being depressed. that my mum never supported me when i begged her for help. he said that i never had to worry again. that i had him now. that he’d be my rock and my hero. i also told him about that indian guy that i had a massive fight with a month ago…the one that then decided to call me up 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night when i told him i never wanted to hear from again EVER. he acted like i just needed a cooling off period before i was ready to be his wife or something. ST asked me if he was still bothering me. i said no, but who knows given he called so randomly like that. he said next time, if anyone calls and bothers me again, to give him the phone and he would sort them out 🙂 my heroooooo!

oh gosh his niece managed to call me up from his phone yesterday it was so funny. shes sooooo cuuuuute. and he didnt realise she was doing it. he thought she was messing around. i called him back and told him what had happened. he was shocked. but then he introduced me to her properly. he called me P Kaki. im her Kakiiiiii?! he told her i was P Kaki…and she sounded so shocked. apparantly she has another aunty with the same name as me. so she didnt understand. ”

P Kakiiii?” yes sweety, P KAKI. then i had the cutest conversation ever. and she said “Hello P Kaki” Hellooooo!! “How are you?” Im ok sweety, how are youuuu? “I’m fine” what you up tooo? “its snowing outside!!!!” reaaaaaallllyyyyyyy. shes soooo cute shes so so so cuuute. im her Kaki. i didnt say anything to him, but i heard his voice falter a little just before he said it. he said it without thinking and then realised it was something pretty huge given even his niece was surprised.

to me it was a little bit of a shock to my system. im a kaki. im not P Didi. im P Kaki. thats huge. ive not been called Kaki by anyone. im a Bhua. but that was different. that was the kids in india. and everyone was aware that i was just as young as them. but this little baby. shes 20 years younger than me. i AM a Kaki. im not her Didi.

(Kaka/Chacha is your Dad’s younger brother. Kaki/Chachi is his wife to you. Didi is what you call an older sister figure out of respect).

after when i was talking to him, i said…so…im P Kaki? he asked me if that was ok..and he wasnt sure if i was mentioning it happily or if i was upset about it. i said i couldnt stop smiling.

and i cant 😀