advent calendar

it seems like i havent written in a long time. but i have. just someplace else which is locked away and private and not available to anyones eyes but my own. for now.

i just needed somewhere to gather my thoughts in those times of desperation. without other peoples thoughts and sympathies. i just needed somewhere to sift through the crap when i need to.

in some ways its helped. some ways it hasnt.

i seem to feel like im getting worse. i still have panic attacks and stuff. i still freak out over nothing. but these days it is generally due to him.

the rest of the family stuff it just grumbles on. and ive dealt with it in my own way. i keep them out of my life and stay out of theirs. i talk to my mum. my dad. and thats it. everyone else is irrelevant to me. and somewhat my dad too. but thats different. a different issue that cant and wont and doesnt need to be sorted. he is how he is.

its the kind of thing that wont really be addressed until i go. or until my mum goes. and either way i wont benefit and nor will he. just resentment that will hopefully one day drift away.

but him. i get these flashes of thought about whether im really happy. and i know i am, and i know its just insecurity and anxiety. but it really scares me. and it makes me want to just be held. only the only person that can really do that is him, and when hes the problem, im the last person he wants to talk to.

sometimes i wonder if im getting stronger or more indifferent. i hope the former. the latter doesnt bode well for the future.

i really want to go back a year. and i really want to have the relationship i did then. the one where he listened and paid attention and i was shiny and new and sparkly and something he couldnt get enough of. rather than the routine i have become.

and its not like he takes me for granted necessarily…i know he appreciates everything i do. its this thing he does when hes confused or angry or upset. he acts like nothing bothers him and that he will move on and forget about it and i mean nothing. and it bothers me. it really bothers me.

in the beginning he was strong for me. he would douse those fires of insecurity. but now…he gets annoyed at me when i have them. in the beginning he told me that he would hug me and take it all away. and that he would look after me. and to go to him for anything. but now he rolls his eyes and says “oh god bub”. and i just need a little settling. just someone to hug me and tell me its ok. and that i have nothing to worry about.

sometimes he can. sometimes he does. and i love those moments and i cherish them. and i thank god for sending him to my life. like a couple weeks ago when he told me that for whatever reason, if i ever told him we had to split, no matter what the reason, he said he would hunt me down and kill me for breaking his heart. NO MATTER WHAT. and it sounds drastic and dramatic, but it felt so reassuring. it was like confirmation that when he acts cool as a cucumber, thats all it is, an act. and reality, after it settled in him, he would stir and he would come running.

so i know its all insecurity. and i know he needs me. as much as i need him. i dont want him to show me he needs me. im not going to sit here and say im one of those girls that needs to see a man at his lowest in order to feel some power. but i will say that im scared. im scared that i may love him more than he does me. and in some ways, even though i deny it, and tell him that he cant possibly love me more, deep down i hope that he does. because then id have no fear of losing him.

in terms of sex…i know im ready. mentally. and physically. but im not ready emotionally. i feel like we have a good thing going, and sex would just ruin it. some part of the reason i dont want to is because he hasnt met mum and dad. another part is that i do ACTUALLY want to wait for marriage. the final part is that i need to know that it would be as big a deal for him as it would be for me. and from the way he acts, this cool as a cucumber thing, it doesnt fill me with hope. i dont want to have this moment with him, where i feel as though the orgasm is a reflection of how deeply i love him, for him to flip over hug me for about 10 mins and fall asleep. i just want to feel like im the only thing on his mind. like all he wants is me forever. i want to spend the night talking to him and joking with him and kissing him and feeling him around me. i just want us in a room on a bed. no thoughts about the outside world and what comes next. i just want it to be us. but i just dont have the confidence to believe it would be. theres no guarantee that he wont flip over and snore.

at one point i wondered if it was a lack of passion. that maybe i wasnt feeling the spark because he didnt look at me. but he used to. he used to stare into my eyes. and sometimes he still does. he just looks at me.

i bought him tekken 6 and a controller for his ps3 for diwali. i wanted to get more, but i cant justify spending more than £50 on him to my parents. i can just about blag it that its for a friend, but any more than that, it looks suspicious.

when i start getting paid i will buy him all sorts. designer shoes/shirts/jumpers. i would buy him an xbox (cos i swear theres a wider range of games on that). i would get him the LED tv he keeps banging on about. i would get his watches fixed. maybe even buy him a new one. i would buy him a tailored suit. an engraved pen. a new and wayyyy better laptop. (maybe even a macbook air). but right now, my money is on a string being pulled by my parents. i have nothing.

I was thinking about what to get SK for christmas as well…im going to buy her family a special bauble for their tree. and i’ll get her a personalised one or something…i’ll look into it.

23 days till my first ever anniversary.