Four Years…

Four years

It has been four whole years of loneliness for me. Not being treated as a partner, regardless of how much attention I bring to the issue as it grew and grew. I warned about the consequences the neglect would build to tried to fix and address the issues- it fell on deaf ears, tabled for another time when things were ‘less stressful’…

We are roommates now. After fighting alone, desperate to keep this relationship afloat I felt it, something inside me broke, collapsed in on itself from the weight of everything, I won’t lie it made me cry. I still love you, or at least I think I do? I want to… but everything is so numb now

I still want to keep all that we have built together functional… but I don’t know if I can have these things anymore. It isn’t for a lack of want or trying, because I have desperately wanted us to stay in a good place. I have worked my hands to the bone desperately trying to keep what we had…

I don’t know what to do anymore, I really just feel as if I’m here on Earth to help people get past obstacles in life or rough patches and then be left behind used/worn down and alone. I feel like an object that anyone can just pick up and carry with them until they get through whatever it is they needed me for or I become obsolete/boring…

I just want to be happy and loved in a way that feels natural as breathing. I know a relationship takes work I’m not so naive to think everything is a walk in the park.. I want a partner who loves me enough to not let go so easily… At this point in life and EVERYTHING I have been through, in a raw and non hyperbole sense I honestly feel that I am not someone who will find love or rather find a love that will last.

I feel lost, used and broken.