Bread winner and sick of it!!

I started working at 14 and have been since. I’m now 36 and I am tired of being the one that has to provide financially for others.

I started dating my now husband at 17 and in retrospect I knew deep down he had little drive to work hard and provide. Our family now includes a mortgage, a car payment and 3 young children and their activities. Did you catch that list? Yes I am solely responsible for providing financially for all of those things including providing for my husband so he can be a stay at home dad.

I am going to rant and rave here because I have no other outlet that would not result in catching my own house on fire.

My husband is a very sensitive and emotional person and for many years I avoided having candid conversations or reveal my true feelings and thoughts on certain things ie him. However, about two years ago in a moment when I became triggered I unleashed it all on him and I am still waiting for things to change. I am angry at myself for STILL believing after all these years and all I know about him that he will actually develop some ambition and drive. He insists he has it – I am waiting to see it.

I worked hard to graduate college. While I was killing myself to accomplish this my now husband was feeling down about himself that he just is not smart enough to pass any classes and I do mean ANY. In the span of me getting my BA he started and dropped out of 2 community colleges. While I was busy studying for my professional license after graduating he flunked out of yet another community college and held and left jobs at a local subway, the pet store, then as security at a bank.

He was past the point where I could find any words to get him to go back to school, or to study for the exams to qualify for state and city jobs. I started making decent money early on in my career and worked hard putting in 80+ hours sometimes while my boyfriend was at his parents’ home playing video games, unable to find a decent job, unwilling to continue his education, unwilling to take the steps to get the very few jobs and career paths available for a high school graduate.

I stuck with him despite all this and I never once showed or voiced my disappointment and frustration. He brought it up but I was very clear that I do not want a marriage proposal before getting my license. What I should have said is until you make something of yourself. Better yet, I should have drawn the line and ended things right there.

Yes, I’ve realized that I made the bed I sleep in. However, in my defense I held on to hope that my love and support would bring about the change I wanted to see in him because he was so great in many other ways that no I didn’t want to loose him.

We now have 3 kids and I feel like I was intentionally trapped. Like he expressed strong desires to have another child when we had our 2nd and 3rd, encouraged a major move, house and car purchase knowing it will all fall on my shoulders and I would have no room to breathe. I would have no choice but to remain in the high stress, time consuming industry that I work in and that he knows I have despised for 15 years and want out.

He had a decent security job for almost 10 years and in that time frame, no promotions or progress to speak of. At the time we lived in a high cost of living area. We had talked about moving to a low cost for many years but always found a reason not to do it. When COVID happened I finally got the nerve to tell him I want to move to the low cost area we were eyeing which would allow me to work remotely and be present for my kids more. I felt empowered to make this one change in order to rescue myself. I asked for his input and it was all green lights.

Shortly after the move, as I expected he didn’t find security work he wanted. I suggested an alternative of becoming a police officer. It all started well. Then before I knew it he decided it was too risky due to COVID and decided to stop. Somehow found a security position after giving up on the police academy and leaving all his equipment/supplies from the unfinished program laying all over our closet. We got into a fight a few months after because I got tired of all the quitting the starting and stopping and all with me footing the bill of these failures in immediate and long term ways. He said he never wanted to make the move, that he had received two promising work opportunities right when we were making our big move, so essentially our big move, which I wanted for my own mental health, was the reason he had to pass up two sudden promising career moves. I called bullshit. He still insists all this to be true, I find it way too convenient.

Then I found myself pregnant with our third. I take responsibility for knowingly having unprotected sex with a man I know will not provide for any of my children. That falls on me.

With no one to take care of our newborn and with a 8 and 4 yr old he stopped working to be a stay at home dad. I am all for this but the history of our relationship and his repeated unwillingness to take action to better his life and his family’s life throw a dark veil over something that’s currently trending in the rest of society.

I hate that he gets to be the stay at home parent. I told him after our second if we get pregnant again by accident (we only wanted 2) then my requirement is to be able to be a stay at home mom for the first yr. My 2nd and 3rd are 4 years apart. He had 4 years to help me put more into savings in whatever way he could but he did not. Nothing extra was saved so how exactly could my request ever come to fruition?

I’ve done all the things I’m suppose to do to be a fully functional adult, he has not and yet I am paying the price for that.

I love my husband and I think he is a good dad and I use to think he was the most amazing boyfriend and husband anyone can have. I have lost hope in who I thought he could be. For a long time he couldn’t see his potential so I saw it for him. Now I see nothing but the stress I’ve suppressed all these years. The reality of my situation stares me in my face everyday and I’m angry and bitter about it.

I don’t think we have a bright future…