3/4/23

After having my 3rd, I believe I endured a milder form of post partum depression. I never said anything to my doctor because frankly I can’t afford the medical bills for any subsequent consultations and treatments. Just another American who can’t afford mental health.

I did say something to my husband once because my thoughts were starting to get scary. Thoughts of life being better before and all the things me and my family are no longer able to afford and do together. I believe I am mourning the loss of what was “suppose” to be.

Once my period came back I am noticing that I’m on an intense emotional roller  coaster and I don’t know the cause. My thoughts are no longer about my daughter. Now it’s rarely about her actually, she seems to be the one thing that makes me smile and happy during these challenging moments.

I have no idea if there’s a pattern so I am journaling hoping to figure that out.

My period is due early each month, so I’m expecting one in the next few days. I am noticing the negative thoughts and feelings start creeping in about 2 days ago. I may have had a handful of occurrences in the prior week but I didn’t entertain/dwell as I am doing now. Today I’m about 24 hours or a little over that of intensity. I am angry, then I’m extremely sad then I’m depressed and feeling hopeless. Then feeling like I’m not worthy of love, kindness, affection. Today all my negative energy centered on my husband who I know in my heart is not the things I am saying to myself in my mind. My thought life doesn’t remind me of that tho.

My mind races as I bounce between all the things I define as wrong with my life on my worst days. It dwells on and villainizes those closest to me. At first I chastise myself for having these thoughts then I immediately push that aside as I justify it and remind myself I’m allowed to feel those things and that they are the truths I don’t want to face. It’s a circular path that I’m on full of anger, sadness, resentment, sorrow and self-pity, then regret and self hatred.

Right now I’m worrying that this is not PMS. It’s depression or maybe bi-polar disorder?

Now I worry it’s something serious going undiagnosed because I don’t want to allocate money for a therapist. Or maybe I’m afraid of what therapy will reveal about me…?

I don’t see how I can be a good mother when I’m dealing with this. I will definitely scar my children in a unique way.