Dinner evening.

I seem to be having a string of days that start one way and end another.

Yesterday was an average school day. Thursdays are probably my busiest day, I’m there as long as the other days, but I don’t have a huge chunk of free time like my other days. After my physical chem class, I hopped on the subway and headed home. I had to get started on food shopping for dinner.

So I decided that I was going to keep it simple, buy some vegetables and some meat and have brochettes (shish kabobs). So I hit the open air market. I love walking around that place, it’s hectic but somehow soothing.

Headed home, washed, peeled and cut vegetables, made up a random marinade for the meat, chopped that up too. Fred show up around 6:15 and Steven and Alice shortly after, I left them all to chat in the kitchen while I hit the shower. J.P. showed up while I was in the shower.

Everyone was out on the balcony chatting, drinking a beer. We chatted for a while until my stomach complained it was hungry and we got started making the brochettes. Fred was declared grillmaster and we kept him company outside. We ate at the table (which is actually rare here) and headed back out to the balcony afterwards.

It was one of those mild nights, not overly hot, but not cool enough to require even a sweatshirt. We all kind of chatted about random things, teasing and joking. It was only the second time that Fred had spent anytime with my friends, so it was nice to see that everyone seemed to be getting along swimmingly. J.P. left fairly early as he had to catch the subway then the train to the south shore, which is when Alice took the opportunity to direct the conversation to racier topics.

It was a little bizarre discussing foreplay and sexual preferences with my friend, her boyfriend and … the guy I’m sleeping with… lol! I mean, I’ve discussed it with each of them individually (except maybe Steven)… But it did end up being rather informative. LOL!

I had invited Fred to spend the night when I had mentionned the evening to him, and he hadn’t said anything either way at this point, but when Alice and Steven started talking about leaving, he mentionned he should start thinking about heading back… I asked if he wanted to stay, but he didn’t want to have to get up super early to drive back home before going to work. I was a little dissapointed, as I’ve been kind of sensitive lately, I really didn’t make much of an effort to hide it. After Alice and Steven left, we got to chatting a bit, and I told him how I’d been feeling lately.

That I know that he enjoys spending time with me, that I can tell, but that it’s a little hard for me being the one that always initiates everything. And even though we haven’t defined this ‘relationship’ of ours and I don’t know where we stand on a lot of stuff, this was something that bothered me. He said he didn’t really know what to say, that he understood and had some things to definitely think about.

I could tell he was feeling bad about this, seems to all go back to this NEED to go home. At one point, I gave him a hug and said ‘You know you’re important to me right?’  He looked almost worried. ‘ But I don’t want to be.’

I have to admit at this point I was almost frankly insulted… ‘Why?’ ‘Because I’m going to dissapoint you.’

I got upset at this point, and without even thinking about it I just started ranting. Something to the effect of how that just pissed me off. That when you have people who care about you, you’re taking a chance on disspointing them, that probably at some point you will, but that the bigger fear should be to have no one to dissapoint. That to me this was the equivalent of never trying anything because the outcome might not be what you think, to never take a chance because you might fail. That it’s not living, it’s surviving. That you can’t be scared of bad things happening because that’s all you’ll see. I don’t even know where it came from, I didn’t think I just reacted.

He just looked at me a second. Whispered that he was lucky to have me in his life and gave me a huge hug. When we broke apart, he had tears streaming down his face. It’s the first time that I felt like he really heard me. We talked a little more, and finally he left, after holding me for a while. I repeated that he was important to me, and this time, he just smiled and said it back. He told me I had given him a lot of stuff to think about.

I felt a lot better aftwerwards. I don’t know if it will change anything. It just felt like maybe, just maybe it was something he needed to hear, and it’s almost as if it didn’t completely come from me. Like the words came from the universe… (esoteric I know, but just a feeling). I actually managed to sleep pretty well after.