Endless Remixes of “Elevation” by U2

I went to see Adaptation this afternoon which in fact I didn’t like too much. I started out really enjoying the intertextual mind-fuckingness of it, but then it all degenerated into a bizarre sort of action-flick and I kinda get why they’d do that and I almost think it’s clever, but the fact is that it turned into the sort of movie I wouldn’t want to watch.

I went by myself to the movie. The second time in my life I have gone to see a movie alone. The first time was quite unpleasant – Jericho had to go away one weekend shortly after we’d moved to The Big City from my hometown. I didn’t know many people there yet, so I decided to shout myself to a movie on the Saturday night.

Don’t go by yourself to movies on a Saturday night. It was sold out, I was seated uncomfortably between two very couply couples and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb being alone in that cinema.

On a Sunday afternoon, however, it was very pleasant. There were only a few people in the theatre, and at least one other person was there alone. I discovered the armrests lifted up and so I sprawled myself accross several seats and felt generally relaxed.

It was later, when I was driving home that everything fell apart.

I blame the cassette containing endless remixes of “Elevation” by U2 I found, personally. There’s something about that song. I ended up driving home through the back roads and over a mountain, driving far too fast feeling half exhilerated and half desperate.

Is it a weakness that I always seem to want things to be different?

I went last night to the opera with Mare, the cute girl whose phone number I got the other day. She’s great. Possibly more than great, I don’t know. Generally for me, a real attraction to someone develops slowly and encompasses many aspects of a person. But I was so completely and immediately attracted to Mare. She has this incredible womanly body, so exquisitely curvy from the wave of her hair to the arch of her insole (yeah, she was barefoot and we were sitting on the ground, so I did in fact get to see the arch of her insole).

It isn’t usually so completely physical with women, either.

Maybe it was simply the setting. Outdoor opera, fireworks, a perfectly calm and warm night, the full moon rising. I so deeply wanted to lean over and kiss her right then (can you imagine a more perfect setting for a first kiss?).

I didn’t of course. Because I have an Ali. I don’t want to be the sort of person who cheats on their partner.

The thing is, I don’t even know where things stand between Ali and I. I don’t know if we have a relationship which involves monogamy, exactly. I know, and I was surprised to realise this (and I also want to add that I realised this long before Mare came on the scene), I wouldn’t be terribly devestated if Ali found someone geographically closer to her while we’re still on different islands. I don’t know if she has similar views. I don’t even know if it matters, because I don’t want an inbetweener. Frankly (and this should be dead obvious by this stage) I don’t know what I what. I don’t know exactly where things stand with Ali at all, and I don’t know, as great as she is, if we have a chance at making things work long-term. I don’t know if either of us truly wants that, anyway (yeah, yeah, I know I’ve changed my tune. Funny, I never thought of myself as fickle).

I have this feeling – and I don’t know whether it’s justified or not, or whether if it is justified if I can do anything to change the situation – that I am simply perpetually waiting for things to sort themselves out. And meanwhile life is just toddling on past me. I took control of things, I escaped the Big City where I was miserable, I took myself to this paradisical place and found myself a paradisical job. But I still feel like I’m missing something. I feel like I’m waiting for Ali to sell her house and move down here so we can see if things will maybe work out between. I feel like I’m on hold until then. It’s more than just my ability to see other people I feel is on hold – I feel like it’s my whole lifestyle on hold. Because sometimes still I think maybe I’m not the monogamous type, maybe I’m supposed to be a tart and I get this urge to go on a spree and I feel like I’m neglecting a large part of myself by restraining myself. But I do restrain myself. Because how would I feel if I destroyed what Ali and I have before it’s even had a chance?

Besides, this place is too small for me to go on a real spree. I’d end up shagging the boss’ daughter’s ex’s brother or something and completely embarrassing myself.

Which is another thing. I feel like I’m waiting to see if I nestle into this community I’m in, whether it becomes home to me, or if I need to find somewhere else to call home. I don’t know whether I’m comfortable in this slow, peaceful country life. I don’t know if I’ll have to return to one city or another to complete my Master’s degree. I can’t even be completely sure if that’s something I truly want to do.

I feel almost like I could take control, make some decisions, do something for certain. But I feel that I can’t quite get there. I feel like I owe it to people and places and myself to wait and see how this plays out. And this frustrates me unbelievably (I hate waiting for traffic lights to change).

These are the things that went through my head as I drove over the mountains listening to endless remixes of “Elevation” by U2.