Encrypted

I shake a little because the apartment is so cold. I finally took photographs off the wall. I have a lot to say. A whole lot to say. But no real way to say it. So I start with funerals.

My cousin is being buried tomorrow. I will not be there. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to explain to my family that she’s gone, out of my life, almost completely. I don’t want to be around tears, sadness, pain, mourning, wailing. I have to step three steps back because everything feels so overwhelming. I’ve been taking baby steps to clean the apartment. Dusting shelves randomly, folding/putting away, shifting and moving, here and there.

Work has been awesome with all this. My manager, Kurtis, has been so very supportive with my divorce/death/other crap, I’m so appreciative. My job is everything to me right now. It is the only thing keeping me afloat. To lose this job is to fall back into wherever I was before college. Whatevs. This whole thing isn’t bad, really. I have a positive outlook on all this. I’m ready to get all this past me and move on with my life.

Marty’s coming over tomorrow. We’re going to watch Ender’s Game with my brother Brian and hang out. I hope it’s more than a few hours. I want to actually hang out.

Time to write. I’ve missed… myself. I’ve slipped about rotting pillars for too long. I want to step up. I want to step out, unsheathe the blades I carry between my shoulder blades, pulverize the darkness with the shining caricature of humanity. I want to attend that masquerade where nobody’s really there, but we’re all sharing the same floor space.