Ballsacks and Tantrums.

I’m fucked up. I’m a fucked up guy. I have no direction, no dreams, and all I’m doing is slaving away for money. I’ve spent the better portion of this year hauling ass and busting tail to get out of poverty, and when I finally stop to look around I realize… I’m a goddamned slave to the dollar bill. This isn’t living. Neither is poverty, I guess, but at least I feel whole. Some days this world sucks. It fucking sucks. It just does.

It’s not a bad job, either. If I didn’t have retail-like metrics to obsess over, safety "regulations" to obsess over (and I’m not talking about driving with a seat-belt. I’m talking always wear your goggles, even if you’re walking around with your keys in your hand), and customers to please all at once I’d be golden. I’d be sitting pretty, enjoying this job while still hauling tail.

And on top of it all, there are some jobs I simply can’t complete. And it is reflected in my metrics. And I am getting a talking-to tomorrow because of it. Them.

I love what I do. I really, really do. I love it more than (almost) anything else I’ve done my whole life. Being outside, sweating, keeping in shape, meeting people day-in, day-out. Rich, poor, badass, spiritual, mystical, boring, hoarders, cat ladies. Everything. Everyone. It’s stressful but really fun.

Yet I get done with the day and someone, from Texas, says, "His numbers are low. He must be slacking off. Make sure his manager talks to him."

Just like retail. One of the comments I took hardest back then was, after I was made the Certified Fitness Trainer, my new manager walked up to me and said, "Where the hell are all the credit card applications. To hear (my old boss) say it, you were the golden boy of credit cards. What a disappointment."

At the end of a week of rearranging the whole store, three separate times, one overnight, I stared at him in disbelief. Motherfucker. Maybe if my supervisor, his manager, or his manager could deign to assist, or help, or otherwise get what they want together, I could get something done. Shitfaces.

lol I’m in a bad place tonight. No beer for me.