A Reference, for Anyone in the Exodus

I have several blog sites online. This is the only blog where I sit and vomit thoughts. If this were to go down, permanently, I’d move over to either Prosebox (I guess) or wordpress.

My blogs at WordPress are:

cheisserer.wordpress.com (novel site)

cheissererpoet.wordpress.com (poetry site)

chriseatsstl.wordpress.com (food blog site: not updated since Oct of last year. I plan to update soon)

Prosebox is, currently,

Marquis of Shades. It’s a placeholder. I won’t write there until I die here. 

LIKE REINCARNATION AND STUFF.

If anyone reading, stalker or otherwise, wants me to know if you have sites elsewhere,  just leave a note. I’ll check you out.

 

That being said, Bethany got laid off yesterday. From work. So she’s altered her plans, moving forward with travel outside the country. She plans to be out before January, divorce finalized, future unknown. If she leaves, she returns the vehicle to me, and possibly I get her futon mattress she just bought, oh, a month ago.

I said this when we met, and this hasn’t changed: I have never seen the world shit so hard on a single person in my entire life. I can only hope I was a small reprieve, for her, from the monetary/rat race, for the few years she knew me. She’s terrified, as anyone would be. She spent so much effort, energy, MONEY, on living here. Yet everyone in this God-forsaken country seems to despise her. Nobody understands this.

On top of that, my mom’s now angry at Bethany for leaving. She’s been sending me emails and texts telling me I HAVE TO extricate the money Bethany owes me as soon as possible. All I said to that was, "have some compassion."

Since this thing started, I’ve seen how wonderful the people I’ve chosen to be around are. They’re helpful, supportive, assisting, and most of all, respectful. But nobody understands this. I don’t come at this from an EMO hair whip perspective, but more a… American culture doesn’t teach this. Schools don’t make this clear. Christianity has bled this out of its sermons. It’s disgusting, and disgraceful. But. She’s a wonderful person.

Even though we’re bickering now. Hahaha she’s so sick of my righteous attitude, my "another sign you shouldn’t go" commentary. It doesn’t help the situation, but I want it out of my head and out of my mouth. It’s not like she isn’t complaining about absolutely everything, still. I don’t complain about it. But her double standard shows clear.

I wonder if I’m an introvert that absolutely needs to externalize everything. Being alone brings about strange epiphanies. When I’m not with someone, I’m calling someone. I’m thinking about doing stuff with someone. I’m staring at my computer, writing about someone doing something with someone else. And when I’m with people, I don’t like it. I mean, it’s alright. I just don’t get anything from it. Good people, smalltalk, good times, but it bores the living shit out of me.

Just another example that I need to find more of "my" people. I guess, academics. Liberal Arts academics. Or… my brother(s) style(s) academics.

I did an install the other day, where the woman flirted the whole time. I felt angry. DON’T YOU KNOW I’M GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE!? I scream inside. But she’s nice. 

And while I went to garage sales last weekend, some woman said, "I like to keep my single men happy," referring to me. I glanced at my father after we walked away. "How did she know?"

He pointed to my ring finger. "That. Shit’s. Important." Rang so deep I felt like a church bell at six o’clock.

Goddamn I feel so bad for her. If one more person says, "But she left YOU," I’m going to punch him in the mouth. It doesn’t matter. Respect your fellows. She deserves a good motherfucking life. The best. The greatest life a person can live, given her circumstances. Given her message, and her incredible insight. Goddamn it. There’s more to this world than media, and America, and all that stupid shit they tell you to care about.

If I could give it to her, I would. Still. And I would. I’ve never felt more loyal to a person outside my immediate family. Ever. Marty, maybe. I’d kill for him. Hahaha.