More to Deal With

Just when you think everything is going well, falling into place, life jumps out and bites you. I was very aware that there’s a lot on my plate presently, and to that I said, “So, what else is new?”
I noticed last Monday (7/18) I started feeling a little short of breath at times. Puzzled me since the week before I had felt the best I ever had since before my long hospital stay. Each subsequent day I felt a little worse. Probably allergies, I thought. Maybe a little relapse? Of course, being in control of everything, I neglected to tell anyone, including Terry, what I was feeling. And yes, I got a good scolding from family and my doctor about not saying anthing.
I had things to do.

Our daughters’ baby shower/evening party (husbands included) was scheduled here at my beloved Dream Home for Saturday evening. Her girlfriends were in charge and all Terry and I did was make sure the inside/outside was clean and manicured, rent some tables, china and flatware and get the dogs to the kennel for a day. No big deal, especially for someone who used to throw about 4 parties a year, all catered by me.

Yes, my very first grandson is due in about 30 days. If that’s not an exciting and glorious thing, I don’t know what is.

Yes, I decided to let the ex-husband, sperm-donor- grandfather-to-be to attend. In the beginning I saw no reason for his presence but in time, decided it wasn’t that important to make a stink about, to cause him anger and hurt, probably affect my daughter, etc., etc so therefore, let him eat cake. He’s obnoxious, overbearing and generally a pain in the butt but I figured I could avoid him to an extent. He, of course, was delighted to make an appearance, trying his best to be center of attention, unaware how annoying most found him to be.

And yes, I have quit smoking, cold turkey for 3.5 months now. I think I’m doing pretty darn good. I miss it. Always will. Wish I could have one and sometimes are worse than others.
And yes, my body is still recovering from 18 days in the hospital (half of which in an induced coma) from double pneumonia and lung fungus invasion but who thinks about that when you’re starting to feel good again?

By Friday afternoon, the shortness of breath was getting worse and worse and extremely worse. By 8 PM I “knew” I was dying because I couldn’t get my breath. It was so bad that I preferred to die rather than stay in this body that was panicking and trying to breathe and I couldn’t. I finally got out the words to Terry to call 911.
In about 2 minutes, my bedroom is full of firemen & paramedics, about 7 in all. (My most favorite thing in the world, firefighters in uniform surrounding me and did I care, NO) With their help and lots of O2 and a lovely drug called Albuterol, I was able to breathe again but off to the ER they took me.

I noticed on the way to the hospital, the main paramedic (probably the most handsome of them all) tried talking to me and as the subjects started to become personal, the breathing became worse until I asked him to stop.

In the ER, I was given breathing treatments that I was familiar with, all seemed to be going well until Terry and my daughter came to me. I take one look at their faces, my 8 1/2 month pregnant daughter with red eyes and cheeks from crying, Terry’s big green ones all red around the edges of his blond eyelashes and the breathing issue began again seriously and I asked them to leave. And the breathing got better.
They kept me overnight as a precaution but as tests, x-rays, and doctor opinions, the diagnosis was panic/anxiety attack, that manifested itself with lungs that have not fully recovered because my lungs, heart and everything else passed with flying healthy colors.
I had heard of panic attacks. I knew friends who took Xanax for panic or anxiety. I just didn’t know I was anxious or feeling stressed. I truly thought I was fine…and happy…and regular.

They gave me Xanax to take “as needed.” What I really need is to learn how to identify anxiety. As I think about it I remember as far back as when I was dealing with my elderly parents and their subsequent deaths, that there were short, infrequent episodes of difficulty breathing. We thought it was allergies. After that there were many more deaths to deal with, child, relatives, friends, beloved animals, Terry’s serious medical problems and surgery, etc, etc, etc.
I thought I was handling it just fine. Guess not.

Ran a million errands today, had a follow up checkup with pulmonary doctor, and received news of great improvement of my lung function and a huge thumbs up from the doctor, thinking we/I can recover completely in time.

Funny, how the more I talk to people about anxiety, the more people open up and tell me they, too, deal with it in their life and many take medication for it. I was totally unaware how prevalent it was.