this is exactly the community that i have been searching for.

i have this recurring thought almost everyday, about how i have absolutely no one to tell my feelings to.

sure, i have some friends; i also have a large family. i have four lovely, beautiful dogs who i love the most in the world — if i wanted to, i could talk to them like they were people. i acknowledge that i am luckier than most, and i am grateful for that. but what i have noticed about myself is that i am just stuck in my own bubble, all my thoughts pooling into one dark abyss of nothingness. it seems like all my feelings are being thrown down there, to absolutely no return. i’ve always felt uncomfortable speaking what i feel, i prefer to just keep it inside and let it all die down. maybe it’s because i am an absolute pretentious bitch who pretends that i am happy and dandy and that everything is trivial and nothing to me when it fact it is. every little thing, i feel it 10 times more. i just don’t show it. i would never admit that things bother me, i like to maintain an i don’t give a fuck, i absolutely give noooooooooo fucks, i don’t feel anything, i am invincible, i am simply happy and everything is not that deep to me.  i think a lot of people feel this way, too.

so in this weird cycle of wanting to let it all out and establish intimate relations with other people and not wanting to be in intimate relations at the same time, i go for online dating, online befriending; i’ve combed through dating apps, social media apps, and oh, yes, my lovely, lovely discord friend. need to vent? go to discord. need a friend? go to discord.

i’ve realized that this is what i want more, tho. the fact that i could vent it out to the air. and maybe someday, 10 years from now, i’ll stumble upon these diary entries and think; “oh, i was something else back then.” by something else, i mean fucked up.

anyways, this is the community that i have been searching for. it feels like i am talking to the air, and it is talking back to me. it is simply saying “let it outtttttt, and i shall listennnnnn~”

 

PS. from this point on, i wouldn’t care much abt spelling/grammar. LOL

 

so today is the 7th of may, A LOOOOOOT of things happened today, and by a lot i mean like 3 things and the rest is just boring old routine. so first of all, something rlly bad happened with one thing.

the first thing that happened today was I RECEIVED MY NEW KEYBOARD! it finally got delivered! i bought it for like 700 pesos!!! that shit is crazy, it’s like 13 dollars i believe. i’ve always envied my older sister, she has this boujee keyboard from royal kludge and it looks sleek and nice. so after months of contemplating, i bought the keyboard and i got it! so that was what made me happy.

the second thing that happened was… today was my final thesis defense. a lot of people say, ohhh, this is the presentation of your life. do well, you’ll remember it for life. a lot of people also say that your thesis is like the most important project of your entire college life. i agree. i guess i’m not just as enthusiastic about academics. don’t get me wrong, i am from an asian household, and getting A+++ grades is like the ultimate must-do for the children. and i do so. i graduated with honors in elementary and highschool, i’ve also been in the dean’s list from the beginning of 1st year (i am now in my 3rd year, 2nd semester). i’m just not that into the whole academics thing.  i try to exert my best efforts because it’s what is expected of children like me; asian. and a girl nonetheless. belonging in a middle class family. so naturally, my parents see me as an absolute retirement plan wherein they expect me to provide for them until they die as repayment. to be an efficient retirement plan, i must study well to get a good job and then shoulder them until i also die penniless.

anyways, back to what i was saying, wow that was a random outburst, we had our final thesis defense. throughout the process of making the manuscript, only a select few really did everything and exerted a lot of efforts. i believe that out of 11 group members, only 3-5 really contributed, myself included. and so i also did the powerpoint presentation, revised the comments on the manuscript. so by this time, i’ve come to expect that my groupmates would comeee the fuck throuuugh for the final defense. i mean, this is the FINAL DEFENSE. this is like the ultimate thing. but once again, i was wrong.

so during the Q&A portion, one of the panelists asked something on the study’s recommendations. this guy, let’s call him J, and this girl, let’s call her G, were the one who did the recommendations part for the manuscript. naturally, i expect them to know their shit indepth. well, when the question was asked, J left the fucking meeting (yes, we are still in an online setup), and G was completely, utterly muted and nonchalant; as if she heard nothing. and so there was a really, really fucking weird awkward silence for what felt like 2 minutes. there were about 70+ participants in the meeting. i felt my face hot and burning with so much shame and humiliation because i also felt like it was my fault since i wasn’t able to truly review the entire paper and only focused on my parts. and so, with absolute disregard for the consequences of my action, i raised my hand, and spoke up.

welp, i shouldn’t have.

i answered extensively, pulling supportive studies out here and there, but i only did it because i wanted to appear like i know what the fuck i was saying when in fact i had absolutely no fucking idea. i wanted to, as much as possible, act as if what i was saying had so much sense and depth when it fact it barely did LOL. and so with that, i spoke for like a solid 5 minutes, wanting my spirit to disconnect from my body then and there. i pulled out all the public speaking skills i had, all the techniques i’ve learned to appear like i knew shit when infact i knew zero.

after i spoke, they thanked me for the answer, and then they moved on to the other group’s presentation.

just like that, our final defense had ended. the special, over the top most important project of my college life pretty much reached its end.

just. like. that.

i felt my eyes burn with tears, my face and ears hot with extreme shame and embarrassment. out of 11 members, nobody spoke the fuck up, especially those who were actually in charge of the recommendations part in which the panelists sought more information from. i didn’t want our group to be embarrassed especially since there were numerous other students watching and listening. but by doing so, i may have embarrassed our group more.

when i thought i can no longer hurt myself, i asked my group members, “did my answer satisfy you guys?” and one dude said, “yes ofcourse, it was very smooth. congrats to all of us!”

i have never felt so much pretense in my life. or maybe i am overthinking.

after that, i cried and cried and cried so much tears, i almost felt like i popped my eyes out. i cried in the bathroom and cried more in my room. that was hours ago.

now i’m fine, i guess.

 

next big thing that happened today was, I ORDERED A GAMING MOUSE! well, i don’t game at all. i only play minecraft on my phone, stardew valley on my laptop and that’s about it. i just ordered a new mouse because my current mouse’s scroller pretty much broke. it’s not working anymore. i ordered a gaming mouse because it lights up, and i like it when things light up. like the keyboard that was just delivered a while ago.

 

anyways, that’s about it for today’s entry. i don’t know what else to say, i’m pretty sure the writing and transitioning of this diary entry is whack as fuck. english is not my first language, and my mind is always jumbled as fuck. anyways.

 

alright, that is all. if ever anyone is reading this right now, just know that you are reading into my soul.

BYEEE!

PS. i am loving Collide by Tiana Major9 and EARTHGANG these days. it’s an amazing song.