some realizations today

the past week has been so hard and hectic!

other than the fact that i am in my 3rd year, 2nd semester of college where the ‘theoretical’ part of the course is reaching its end, we were also finalizing our research manuscript. we also just finished our defense yesterday, and although it went meh, i’m just glad that it’s done! i just reread my previous diary entry here, my first diary entry (which was also yesterday), and i almost died from cringeeeeeeeeeee. however, i made a promise to myself that i would not edit my diary entries because it just ruins the whole special thing about it.

anyways, today, i want to relax (just as i said in the title). i feel like i deserve a looooooooong, long time of relaxation from all the hassle and stress that i went through for the past few days. i kept checking the shop website too if they had shipped out the mouse i ordered, but unfortunately, my order is still pending. i hope it arrives soon.

anyways, lunch is nearing, and i have nothing to say for now. maybe later, i’ll update this diary entry and publish it later tonight. i feel like this is a really healthy way for me to deal with my thoughts and emotions; just putting it out in the internet for me to read someday. i would probably feel twice the cringe, but atleast it’s funny. i saw this on the thing abt cringe. this dude is me.

(NVM, i tried uploading it but the website won’t allow gifs)

anyways, i’m gonna go downstairs and hang with my dogs!!!

actually, wait. i have something to say to the universe again. i’m 21 years old, and a lot of people say i am immature. i don’t think i’m immature, because compared to a lot of people my age, i communicate, keep an open-mind, and always strive to become a better and healthier version of myself. i guess they automatically assume that i am immature because i act childish or child-like. it may also because i have an overly-enthusiastic personality… and i am also loud and somewhat weird but there are also days when i am just muted and cranky… anyways, i’m somehow trying not to use capslock or exclamation points too much because i don’t wanna sound too much like an elementary student, but i just like typing this way. it’s literally how i think, too. always loud and running and scattered.

besides, these are my thoughts and my diary entries, should i really be that formal? damn, i should really stop thinking abt what other people would say, lol.

anyways, i really am going down now. i’ll update in a bit.

oh, i just saw the Save as Draft button below. but i don’t wanna save it as a draft, i’ll just make another entry later. paalam!!!

 

PS. i’m 1/2 glad that this is a very quiet community, not a lot of people know this website exists. i want to gatekeep it but share it at the same time.

 

= = =

 

okay, so i am back. we had an impulsive decision today!!! so my mother wanted to buy my sister a new pair of shoes because she barely had shoes to use for work. so my sister was like, okay! so we started preparing for our outing and i finished up at around 1PM. i waited for them until 3PM, and they were still not going down! i asked them, are we still going? and my mother was like, yes. but then my sister suddenly said she was too lazy to go out. so the ending was; me and my mother were the only ones to go out. so the impulsive thing abt that is that we were basically going to the mall without an agenda.

imma just keep it short because i’m tired and i wanna sleep; so today, i realized, that i don’t wanna grow old too fast. i don’t want to waste the years of my youth. well, technically, i’m already pretty old in society’s standards because i’m 21. i realized that, i don’t want to lose these feelings of self-confidence in how i appear to the world; i don’t want to reach that point in my life where i’m wrinkly and sagging. it’s not necessarily a bad thing, i know for sure that i will take aging in the most graceful way i possibly can — i just, now, i can’t imagine being in that point in my life where i finally realize; oh, i am not attractive anymore. i am no longer youhful.

i guess this is also the toxic mindset that women engage themselves in; but it’s not their fault because we are sooooooo hardwired by society and so many things in this world where the essence of a woman’s beauty is her youth, an exciting time where you are almost like a fish fresh out of the water, where you have not experienced wear and tear just yet. so that was what i realized… i don’t think i am ready to ever give up that feeling of self-confidence on how i appear to the world — still with youth, still okay, still whole. i’m not saying that aging will make me less, i’m just saying that it may take away a fraction of the beauty that youth provides.

i am still in that stage in my life where i seek for external validation — like, i like it when people look and glance my way, i like those moments when i know i am being perceived as likeable in certain ways. it’s an addicting sort of feeling, especially when you are still in that young adult phase. it’s moments of feeling the shots of confidence cripple up your body when you receive external validation. it’s a toxic thing, yes, but it’s a good feeling nonetheless.

i realized that time is running. this is a time in my life where i still have youth, so i don’t want to waste it. i want to try and learn makeup, i want to go to the salon, i want to try certain styles of clothing, i want to do this and that before i settle down into a more calm lifestyle where external validation is not needed but rather just appreciated when it comes.

 

anyways, so that is all. my eyes are literally stinging, the electric fan is steady on me and i’m feeling my eyes dry up. i’m going to sleep, and hopefully by tomorrow the shop that i ordered the mouse from would ship my order!