just a little overwhelmed

Hey! It’s my first time here. I kind of already write my journals with the intention that other people read them, so this seemed kind of perfect for me. We’ll see how I like it before my free trial is up.

I have a lot to do. I’m a stay-at-home mom with two small children–11 months and almost 4 years–and it’s hard to get anything done in the first place. This past week I’ve been doing this thing called Submission Possible. It’s a writing course, and it’s helped me stay grounded and feel like I’m getting things done. I’ve been able to watch the videos while watching the kids. I’m halfway through and I don’t know what I’ll do when it’s over.

I’ve also signed up for Craft that Draft and started writing another novel. This one is a Swan Lake retelling. I’ve written a chapter a day and it’s the most consistent I’ve been with writing in at least a year. Pretty sure. I’m feeling pretty good about it.

As if all that wasn’t enough, though, for one, it’s Wednesday. That means I have a Skype meeting with a good friend, a meeting with my writing coach, and a meeting with my business partner to talk about our online boutique.

I mean, that’s not where the ‘that wasn’t enough’ part belongs. That part belongs here: I also just contacted my friend Troy to pick back up on the novel we’re going to write together. I started this with him early last year and then I fell off the map as I dealt with postpartum depression. I’ve decided that in order to really make it happen, I’m going to have to catch back up on it today and write a whole new chapter.

So, today I have to write two chapters of two different books, watch some videos from Submission Possible, spend at least three hours doing business-related Skype meetings (the one with the friend will likely be spent going over a class I’m presenting at a writing conference), and watch my kids.

I feel overwhelmed.

If I were *really* responsible (or so it feels), I’d also cook dinner and wash some dishes. It’s been months since I’ve felt capable of that, though. Even with the right medication, I struggle too much with anxiety and depression. The fact that our kitchen is never clean makes me want to stay far away from it. Lately we’ve been eating stuff like microwaved chicken nuggets and canned soup and PB&J.  My husband does dishes when he can, and that isn’t often. He’s busy bringing home the bacon, and he has three different methods, too.

When is everything too much?

I hope it’s not any time soon. All of this is hugely important to me, and I want to feel like I can do it.

I’ve been struggling some with impostor syndrome, too.

See, I’m already a published author. But I’m indie published. I did not edit this blog post. This is how I write. I write pretty well, right? And so I *did* edit my books myself, but I didn’t take them to a professional editor. I didn’t get feedback from other published authors. I just sent them to friends and family who were interested in being beta readers. They all liked it. On one hand, I feel confident that I’m a good writer. On the other hand, I feel like by not hiring an editor I’m just another terrible indie author who did it all wrong. I crave validation. I crave validation from an outside source that what I did was okay and that my writing is good enough for me to seek out an agent and traditional publisher with my next book.

The thought of querying agents again terrifies me.

I queried agents seven years ago. My dream agent requested the first fifty pages, but I’m certain it’s only because I’d met her a couple times and we hit it off as friends. I was only 17 at the time and it turned out my writing was crap. But I did the same thing then that I’m doing now. I thought my writing was good, I didn’t send my writing to other authors, and I went ahead with everything anyway.

I’ve written a lot in the past seven years. I’ve published four books. I’ve tried joining critique groups. I’ve been to conferences and gotten professional feedback on first chapters and taken classes. I’ve definitely improved.

But how much?

How much is enough?

I don’t know. I’m terrified. And just a little overwhelmed.

But I am doing things. I’m not giving up this time.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’ll be back soon!