The Female Orgasm

Yeah, I don’t think any two female orgasms are exactly alike whereas in my own personal research (exhaustive, as you can imagine)guys seem to have pretty standard ones lol. I was very disconcerted recently when I realized that Gary and Ian have identical ‘moment-of’ behaviors :/ xx

RYN: Yeah I’ve never been a great fan of oral and that totally makes sense lol! Seriously – apologies for the TMI – if I’m on top, they both turn(ed) their head into their left arm, close their eyes and slightly bite their skin…how flipping specific is that?? I really want to believe that he’s trying to change – and I *have* seen him change drastically in some other areas recently. I think he had some kind of crisis this spring – maybe even the fact that he didn’t move out – and that may have been his ‘rock bottom.’ But yeah…I’m still waiting for the big let down. Counter productive, or sensible precaution?xx

Also – a monkey?? The mind boggles :p xx

RYN: It was actually a couple of weeks ago *blush* when I realized…I was watching Ian and I was thinking ‘I’ve seen that before…’ Yep, it little freaky. Even more freaky was when he told me last week that his wife and I are so alike we even have the same mannerisms and expressions. People really do have types, I guess. I totally agree about the forensic thing – and you want to know an exciting secret?? I am pulling everything together to begin this course in September 2013 – http://camosun.ca/learn/programs/cj/adarts/index.html. I’ve wanted to do this course ever since I came here and I’m not making a big fuss about it right now in case I mess it up lol…but after two years I will be completing my BA through distance learning with these guys – http://www.sfu.ca/criminology.html I’ve been trying and failing at getting a degree since I was 21..fingers crossed for this time 🙂 xx

Apologies for the spamming, this might take a bit lol… Course first – I am *so* excited about it 🙂 I haven’t quite decided what I’m going to do with it but the reasons I am giving myself a year to run up to it are – save the first year’s tuition ($3k), save some money so I only have to work part time the first year, do some preparatory coursework (math and a basic security training course) and most importantly, to make sure I’m ready mentally and not just plunging in. I don’t want to fail again, you know? On to Ian…

I am utterly and completely and totally sickeningly jealous when she even texts him – because as unhappy as he is, I can see that he loves her. He has told me that he really hopes they manage to work it out…but in the next breath he laughs when I ask if they’re best friends – like Gary and I were – and says that things are not changing enough. He also told me that if he’d thought he and I were ‘just a fling’ he would have let me go years ago. Seductive words but really…he’s either having his cake and eating it or genuinely torn between the two of us. Which one I think it is depends on my mood lol… Sex with Ian…hmmm.. here’s the thing. We actually went two years without sleeping together at all – him because he was trying to do the right thing, me because I was trying to let him do the right thing. Now, we sleep together about once a month (yes, seriously!)even though we see each other easily three or four times a week. We both struggle with the moral side of it, even though that seems hypocritical because everyone knows emotional affairs are just as damaging. – more –

Yesterday was their fifth wedding anniversary… he and I will have been ‘together’ for four years in February. I saw him yesterday, had lunch with him and that was when he said he hoped they worked it out – but quantified that with the thought that he was very unsure that would happen. I don’t know how I got here…when Gary left me for someone else I never thought I could do that do another woman. I dream about Melissa a lot because I feel so guilty and yet I haven’t walked away. Blaaaargh lol. Oh and interesting side note…I always know when they fight because he gets more affectionate towards me. We don’t really fight and the one big fight we did have was done without yelling. She’s a screamer – I’ve actually heard her over the phone when I was on the other side of the room. I also know that they don’t sleep together very much – because when *we* do, he’s um…very quick off the draw, shall we say. You know what I mean when I say you can tell a guy isn’t getting much? I think he can’t give me up because I fill in the gaps of Melissa with my gentleness (and crazy sex drive lol). I don’t know if I can handle that. Phew! I’m done now lol. x

RYN: yes I agree having the focus is definitely good, especially considering all the Ian crap too. I can get a bursary, but in order to get it you have to apply for student loans. My plan is to save the tuition and have it paid up front so when I apply for the funding I can use it purely for living costs. And bursary only covers 2/3 of the tuition costs. After the first year if I do well I can apply for quite a lot in the way of scholarships etc. I had a friend who funded her third and fourth years with just scholarships. I think we do this silly dance for two reasons. One of the reasons is very basic – I dunno about you but since I hit 40 I think I know how 17 year old boys feel! And that rush of physical release is very addictive…the other reason of course is having someone to care about and care about you without the hassles of a full time relationship can also be addictive. Yo get all the fun bits without the dirty pants on the floor… – more –

I think one of the things that bothers me the most about this is that I knew Ian was married from day one and it didn’t stop me. All i can come back to is that I decided to be selfish for once in my life and do something that made me happy. And I did truly think that it would only ever be a fling. HA! I know sleeping with a married man is wrong, and I know I should walk away. But maybe atthis point in my life I think happiness is fleeting and I should take it where I find it. That being said, this has been going on for a long time and I am exhausted by the roller coaster that it is. Did I tell you that I told him I was walking away if nothing changes by our anniversary in Feb? I really hope I can stick to that because I don’t think he’ll leave…but honestly I can’t do this for very much longer at all. It *is* a minefield..oh and I know what you mean about him being so excited lol, Gary was the same. There’s something more though, just a hunch I have. Or I just want to believe that – although I remember the days of small children as having some pretty dry periods lol. When does this get easier??xx

hm, interesting!

RYN: I know, right? That kind of threw me a little lol. I’m not good at standing up for myself – so when I went for dinner with Ian tonight I ended up getting stroppy and not putting my point across properly at all lol. He (of course) was all, I know why you’re like this, was total sweetness and understanding and I ended up getting big hugs and feeling totally…*sigh*…well you know. <br> Aaaaaaggh!! It also didn’t help that he looked amazing in a new grey suit and a nice tie. Bloody men. Nothing to do with me being weak-ass of course lol 😛 xx