Redefinition

It’s like I am bored with everything what is around me. With negative emotions that are everywhere. I feel so different to other people my age. I have holidays now and I feel like redefinition is something I truly need. But where to start? How should I do it? I don’t really know.

I feel like I know what should inspire me. What should be my end. How I should look like, behave. I should be myself.

I have always been afraid that I am different and that I shouldn’t  show it up. I have been thinking that maybe I can change myself. My habitats, my life, my body, my mid… But it was one big fail. I miss times when I was myself. I was so happy to be myself. I was kinda proud of my difference. I have to come back to those times. I tried to feel good in Polish society. But this is harder than it should. Because I can’t give up my mind. I can’t give up my dreams of seeing Australia and USA! I can’t stop watching pictures, dreaming that I move somewhere where the temperature is hot and there is no snow. I can’t stand thinking that it’s way too late to me to become foreign exchange student in USA. Damn! You don’t know how much I want that. I want California. When I said to my friends that I am considering universities abroad they looked at me as if I were crazy. But they just don’t understand the HUGE need of world that is growing in my hearth every day. I can’t be like them. I can’t concentrate on my small piece of Poland. I can’t stop crying take me away from there!

I suffer at my school. I was artist when I went there. But they killed my creativity so fast. They killed artist. Who I am now? I even don’t really know? I have been wondering who I am whole junior year! And I don’t know. I want to be artist back! I want to be creative! I know that I can’t be creative at extended math exam… But it’s not the reason to kill my creativity.

I was happy, smiling girl. Who I am now? I have depression. I don’t like my body. I hate myself for not being invited for parties. I hate myself for everything. I don’t smile that often. It hurts. I don’t know if it really should look like that. Sorry, I know! It can’t look like that. It can’t! I can’t let myself for being depressed. I can’t hurt myself anymore! But I can’t be like my mates. I can’t get drunk. I can’t smoke. First I am a lady. And I repeat this to me every single day. That I am lady, that ladies don’t drink too much. My boyfriend is lucky to have a lady. But being a lady isn’t in fashion. It’s like the more you drink the cooler you are. I am not a party animal, and never felt like I should. But people don’t talk to me. It’s waste of time to tell me what happened last Friday. I understand it. I miss times when I didn’t care… I like my difference. I want to be proud of it back.

I want to be happy to show up my difference. I want that. Really. And I feel like redefining myself is something I truly need. I have to sit and think. Consider what should be back, what should be changed, what should stay. Because it’s not that I think I need no change. NO!!! It’s more like I need change because I fail at some matters. I fail at being self-confident. I can’t fail! I never give up, so I am going to work on it. My boyfriend is amazing he helps me a lot. My love to him is the only thing I wasn’t ashamed of. I am proud to be his girlfriend and I am so lucky to have such amazing boyfriend. 

I have to stop being scared of what my friends are going to say. I have to stop being sad because of being ignored. I was hipster way before it became so popular. I am an artist, artists have never been accepted and understood. People don’t understand that there may be people that speak two languages. That they live in Poland since birth, but Polish is a difficult language to them, that they don’t understand. I know that I am not going to change the World in one boring entry. BTW is anyone still reading? please leave note if you are still riding this… I don’t even know ho to call it. so, let’s back to the main topic. But maybe this entry is the beginning of my transformation. Maybe I’ll change into something beautiful. I hope so.

I want to be, proud of myself, me.

It’s 9pm… I am going to eat sth. And tomorrow… It’s going to be an amazing day. I am proud not to speak nor Polish nor English perfectly.

Good night.