thursday…maybe??

Today I realized something, no matter how much I push, or block thomas out. no matter how angry I get. he’s always there. He’s not going anywhere. Maybe he means it when he tells me that what he has for me is unconditional. I can be horrible to him. he gets upset but doesn’t even think about leaving. not because he’s whipped but because he loves me. He’s moving in soon and I’m a little worried. the good worried I think. the way things are going to change. living with a boy who isn’t my brother. not having a room or a bed to myself having it be our bed in our room. at our house. I’m excited and I just hope it helps us grow together and not tear us apart. Having him there when I wake up.

     I need to get over the fact that I can allow myself to be vulnerable. it’s okay to let someone in and have them know your secrets. to experience everything with me. my fears, dreams, I can share my spirit and all the good and bad. it’s so overwhelming but good. I know it is.

    The things he does for me. the way he looks at me and brushes my hair away from my face. when he gives me tickles on my bare skin. even the way we have sex. he refers to it as making love. its so cute. but its always about me. ive never had someoone be so intune with my needs. he never used to be like this and I think that’s why I’m not trusting in him. I know I KNOW I need ot get over it, it’s hard when I just don;t trust anybody at all. but now that we are both clean. away from that life. he’s been making his life about me and our future. hehe. he wants kids! like’s the feeling of the terry cloth. why is he so adorable? *sigh* I know everything will be alright. I just have to stop worrying so much. another thing I need to work on…