moooo

I just want to keep writing, like i have all this stuff to say….but I really don’t. *sigh* I don;t want to be alone right now. I wanna be talking to someone. where have all the real conversations gone. seems like no one cares about anything anymore. I know I freak over every detail to everything. I over analyze everything. I wanna have a great life. a beautiful life that can count to something. I feel as though I’m just stuck and the things I want aren’t going anywhere. which is so stupid because I got accepted to my programs, my boyfriend is moving in. I think Im just too impatient. ever since the whole mix up with the pregnancy two years ago. figuring out it really was adam’s (this guy that was just simply made for me, been one of my best friends also an ex bf for like five years almost) It’s like my maternal instincts haven’t gone away. I know now and feel as if I should have gone through with that pregnancy. and it breaks my heart completely. I want my baby back. and now it seems like im pushing tom too hard to get it. it’s not his fault. he shouldnt have to pay for my decisions. I know at the time it was the right thing and now that I was forced to grow up and i really have. I know Im ready to be a mother. unfortunatly I need the money. lol that’s pathetic. the only thing I don;t have. well that and some sperm. haha. that’s just a part of my life that opened up and I wasn’t able to experience all these wonderful beautiful things I really wanted to. and the more time that goes by the more I feel like I’m suffering. this longing I have. it wont leave. god. to have something inside of you. to be walking around and know that you aren’t alone. its the most beautiful thing I have ever felt. to feel it growing. then to have to take a route, not for yourself but for the sake of a human beings life and the quality of it. makes me so sad. and I feel as though I wont be happy until I can get that feeling back.

It’s amazing to be able to bare my soul on here and actually have strangers read it. but have it be okay because they are doing the same things. I feel like I could write a book on everything i have been through. I don’t feel 20..I feel so old and run down. I dont wanna feel that way anymore. I dont wanna have all these problems. I want to be able to enjoy life without drugs, without guilt. gain more intellegance. get this disorder under control, have my babies and live a beautiful life. yes seems perfect! lol. we will see.