Stepping Out in Faith

Stepping out in faith has always been an area that I struggle with. I love being comfortable. I like my life in order and in control.  I guess what I should say is that I like my life in my control.  I truly think that this is a genetic disorder.  Both my parents were control freaks.  I am a control freak, and my children are control freaks.  This isn’t one of those genetic things like beautiful blue eyes or a cute dimple that is handed from generation to generation.  It is more like an ugly thing that keeps you worrying about things that you cannot possibly control. As much as I have worked to shelter my family from hurt, it still seems to appear on their door step leaving panic about how I can change the ultimate outcome.

When Paul arrived two months early, I dug my heels in and set about to make sure that he caught up with the rest of his peers.  No developmental delays there….no sir…I was just not having it.  When he cried with aching joints and was diagnosed with chronic strep and a heart murmur, I searched out and found the "right" doctors to take care of the problem.  I would rub those achy little legs and fret over his poor range of motion in his arms and legs until the issue was resolved.  When he was diagnosed with juvenile glaucoma in high school we took him to one of the best eye surgeons available in Kansas City.  When he left for college angry with the world and his parents, I began to pray. After college, he moved to Texas, more prayer.  He met and married his wife, more prayer.  They lost their home in a hurricane, more prayer. Job changes, miscarriages, family turmoil, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer.

The birth of his sister brought about the same story.  Upper obstructive apnea, otherwise know as SIDS came with this little firecracker. She kept us hopping for the first year of her life. We lost sleep, monitored breathing, and never left her with anyone for fear of that phone call that she might have expired in her sleep.  As a teen, she delved into shoplifting and gave us a run for our  money.  When we moved to Kansas City, she met and eventually married her high school sweetheart. Three months after marrying, she contracted Gillion Barre Syndrome and lost her ability to walk and care for herself.  She went to physical therapy and we prayed.  She recovered….and became pregnant with her daughter….we prayed.  She and her brother became embroiled in a conflict and we prayed.She gave birth to her second child, a son, who was diagnosed with a kidney disorder and we prayed. A year later her husband, our son-in-law, was diagnosed with cancer and we prayed.

In the midst of all this, Mike and I both suffered heart attacks, finances were tough, we made two major moves across country and lost all four of our parents. Things were constantly in motion and my initial control freak nature started to fall apart right along with me.  It is crazy how my very controlled life has fallen apart one year at a time.  The more I have tried to control it, the more it seemed to slip away.

Over the last few months, I have learned what it means to step out in faith.  I have learned what it means to turn something over to God and let him handle it. Mike and I are spending tons of time on our knees.  We pray about our health, we pray for our children, we pray for their spouses, and our grandchildren.  We pray for our church, our friends, our jobs, and our  future.   The control that once tore me down is now relinquished to a Heavenly Father that is truly in control.  Stepping out in faith is something we have to learn.  I still have trouble with it, but age and experience is teaching me that letting go and letting God is a whole lot easier and a lot less disappointing. He and He alone will take care of those I love.  Me….in control….is a lot like banging my head on the floor.  Stepping out in faith is exactly where I need to be.

Lora