Next phase please

Should I journal when I’m okay too? I change so often. Am I really okay?

It just seems like I don’t care as much these days. Also, I’ve made some cool stuff with my baby music skills so maybe it has put me in a good mood. I’m coming to terms with the fact I won’t get a crazy amount of stuff done before I quit my 9 to 5. I’m trying to keep things pretty, interesting and to keep my passion alive.

I set a rock hard money saving plan and it seems like I’m adjusting well for the time being. It’s been a long time coming! It makes me feel closer to my dreams, even if I’m only at 7% of everything I have to gather.

Speaking of dreams, does anyone still dare have this word in mouth right now? I don’t know how we’re supposed to act regarding our cute dreams now. In some ways I’m getting sadder and madder about the fact that my fellows bear so much fear and sorrow. But on the other hand, I’m kind of tired being a whiney baby about it all, about how hard it is, have opinions about this, irrelevant comments about that, whine here and there. I want to focus on what’s right in front of me and improvise. I wish I could just shut off every single conversation. People just talk and they talk and talk. Normalize, manifest, stay safe, mainstream media, pro, anti, cancel, wake up, stay strong, freedom, individualistic, the new normal. Shut the fuck up. I don’t wanna be a part of this. I was already so fucking done with over opinionating and cringe quoting way before the crisis.

Also my boss can scream, I don’t care. She looks stupid.

There’s one thing that didn’t evolve positively. There’s a dude living in the exact city I wanna move to. I like the dude. I’m still thinking about the dude, but I got back to a sadder longing. In february, it’ll be two years since I had the crush, and right now it’s already been one year since we last met. The fact that my feelings still didn’t diminish…is incredible. I’m not surprised, but it is unfortunate. Last time I checked he still expressed the urge to see me, but there’s an ocean between us and he will not be able to visit before the travel restrictions are lifted, and neither will I. I’ve been living for an eternity with the fear that he settles for someone. But now there seems to be another eternity between us. I just can’t get into anyone else and it hurts. I used to be against us bonding through distance and we never took the habit of texting a lot or even call. But now…I would prefer it. How to reconnect and grow closer? I don’t think there’s a way. What if he’s sad too? I’ll never know.

I don’t want to inflict myself self-hate and force myself to move on. There’s no way to do that effectively. The best I can do is to focus on my personal goals and it’s exactly what I’m doing very well. I used to be unable to focus on anything if I were longing for a guy. Now I can focus but I can’t unlove someone. It will stay in me as long as it has to stay. I don’t want to fight against it or fear it.