Gathering my last bit of energy of the day cause my therapist asked me to journal

I wonder the amount of anxiety a brain can take before literally bursting into flames. There must be a physical thing that happens, right?

Stupid thing to keep telling yourself “just get through the day, nothing lasts, it will get better tomorrow” when things literally keeps getting worse, and worse, and worse every week.

Useless thing to keep telling yourself “everyone makes mistakes, you’re doing your best” when you pay triple for every bad decision you make.

I’ve been mentally self-mutilating for many weeks because of all my many mistakes at work, and because of the sick leaves I had to take to wait for COVID test results because something was hurting.

Today, every little mistake I made at the office for the past few days came straight back to my face. I had to take every little consequence of my weak, slow, bizarre, dysfunctionning intellect. People got mad and I had to keep a straight face through feeling like a worthless piece of shit all day. I was so sad, ashamed, anxious and terrified that my senses felt literally numb at many points through the day. I felt like I might faint or not respond.

And right now, my friend told me by text that someone who was at the ONLY gathering I accepted lately was positive for COVID. We were very close and have been speaking a lot that night. So that’s one more sick leave pending, possibly for two whole weeks, and for the most shameful reason there is nowadays. All by my fault. I literally can’t make one bad decision amongst all the good ones. I’m literally numb to the bone.