Cosltly cuddle

Yesterday evening was something. I was already ending the day in total physical and emotional exhaustion when I decided to take the trash out.

There was a guy examinating the empty yard in front of my building, confirming what I already knew. I already knew a house was gonna get built there. But I could suppress this though for a while to protect my sanity. Seeing him made my anxiety come back. The yard is just a few meters away from my window. If they build during week-ends, my life could become hell especially cause I have to work on my music. I need headspace to compose and feel. And if we end up quarantined again….help. I came back to my place, had just one beer and still feel sick from it right now. I feel sick weak and like I had been hit in the head multiple times with a cricket bat while trying to breathe in a tank of salted water.

My state might be explainable. Earlier yesterday, I was unjustly scolded by my boss and cried for an hour, spent hours working on very lame uninteresting stuff, wiped two floors, did and hang two rounds of laundry, dusted the living room, crawled on the floor to fix some things on my gerbil’s cage, crawled on the floor to hang some wires under my desk, realized my water heater wasn’t working, called my mom the landlord and a plumber, cried some more and did some promotion work on my web pages.

I know it sounds like mundane stuff but I have a very slow, stiff and painful whole body. Simple tasks require more physical and mental effort for me plus the fear of injury. So I guess…It’s okay to feel drained now.

I wish there was someone to take care of me and reassure me, just for today. That just today, someone did the dishes for me, gave me a hug and told me “You’ll make it through the next few months even if they build the damn house in frond of your window. You can come to my place sometimes if you want to work in silence. I’ll help you move out quickly if things get too hard.”

There’s actually someone who could be doing all the above. I started seeing my ex again a few months ago, not that I still have the feelings I used to have, but he’s into me and it keeps me from wasting time on stupid tinder. But he ends up being a burden more than a helping hand.

It doesn’t feel natural to work on my art projects while he’s with me so this time is 100% ”wasted” on instant gratification, we don’t share common interests so we don’t inspire each other, he doesn’t spontaneously help me with any everyday task, and having him over gives my stiff body even more work cause if I didn’t spend hours in a cold, humid and sad bathroom getting rid of the profuse hair that covers my whole body, I’ll get nervous whenever he tries to undress me. Then I’ll have to clean my place and give myself more pain and fatigue. I’ll be nervous the whole time, passive-aggressive, frustrated, I’ll have wasted my work time on this just to gain a cuddle cause that’s why I’m doing all this for.