Can’t think of a title

I will try to write every week. I’m not “learning to know myself” if I never remember the lessons, or even the extent of what I have achieved. The fact is, I have overall NOT improved emotionally for a whole bunch of years. I did however improve in the dating area, and well, regarding this I have documented my every feeling for a very long time, so it must be why.

My first psychiatrist consultation went very well. I like the vibes of this guy, he looks like he’s really trying to make you feel understood and not guilty of feeling what you feel. I’ll see how it goes from now on. But I have to refrain from keeping secrets from him or undermining stuff. Which will probably make for an emotionally rough next session.

So during the last two weeks, I was away from work. First week because of a covid scare, second week for vacation. As I thought I would, I started to feel like myself again after a few days. I was reasonably productive with music and management of my web pages. I started to have inspiration bolts again. My crying spirals became lesser.

Now it didn’t end well. I adopted baby gerbils. I DID. I don’t know how to explain myself better then with a silly list.

Being a human being, I like affection so I’m inclined to do stuff like adopt animals, and date, etc.My dreams of quitting day job and free roaming for a while to travel and focus on art become more important, therefore I decide to not commit to any of these things and set myself ready to on adventures as soon as possibleCovid crisis and lack of finances said : wait a very long time to quit and free roam, stay in your little job and little home for (maybe much) more than one more yearI pace in my apartment and think “I’m forbidding myself to live in the present for a project that is still so undefined. If I manage to go free roaming when my gerbils are still alive, I will simply give them to a new caretaker, they have no reason to not adapt well after a few days.”I adopt gerbils.I think “worrying about them being stressed about having a new caretaker is one thing, but what if when I’m able to go no one wants to adopt them at all?”

End then boom. I literally crumble. All I can think all day is this. I go back to work, I’m depressed because of work and ashamed of the selfish thing I just did, so I’m teary all day, I can’t even have a laugh with colleagues, I don’t sleep, and when I go home I try to appreciate the time spent with my animals but all I can do is fake happy. And then I start to feel extremely anxious about them not having enough space. They’re my first caged animals and I can’t even bare to hear them from the other room because I’m haunted by guilt. So I order a huge vivarium, then get extremely anxious about the prospect of not being able to agree on a delivery date with the transporters. Adding to this, stressing about having to do all the setup by myself all over again with a sick body. The only normal-ish time I have is when I’m focused on my art.

So I took new friends to bring and receive joy, but all my days are just crying and worrying.

Now I know, it was definitely a bad decision. I could find some things to live more in the present without adding more weighty stuff on my plate. I’m realizing that I’m literally bearing the weight of my life alone, unaided. Which happens during adulthood, but nevertheless maybe I should me more gentle with myself and stop rushing so much through things. I have a day job, two art projects running, three web pages to promote. Even if I do technically have time to cram everything into my week…No, just no. Stop.