Brain freeze

Being upset is one thing, being anxious is one thing.

But when you realize nothing has been exciting you for days in a row, that the weight in your chest is only gettig worse, and that not even getting hobby work done is enough to lift it off, you’re like: Oh no, not this shit again. 

One year ago, when I was so depressed that I couldn’t even deliver a sentence properly, my dad told me that the reason why I was getting sick was my job. That a lot of people just get sick to the core being employees. What did you want me to do? Believe him? Even though I knew I’d be better off self-employed eventually, and this was never a job I was supposed to keep forever, I still had to save up some money, I still had to work that job for a while. I had to stay convinced that my chronic injuries were the number one factor of my distress, and that even though work often got me very upset, it was all because I didn’t have the right attitude or enough emotional detachment.

A few months down the road, I started to realize that a lot of inevitable situations at the office triggered traumatic responses in me. Probably for having been emotionally abused growing up. And I knew there was nothing to do about it except bite my teeth and walk through the day. I know I will never feel like myself at work. I will never be able to take the big waves of activity because I get brain freezes, literal amnesia, and I can’t multitask to save my life. I can’t take the calmer periods either because they get me extremely lethargic and all I’m left to do is overthink all day, which is like the most toxic thing there is.

There are the times I get very little urgent work to do all day, so all I do is pretend to work, and then go home crying because of the guilt. I know I should stop pretending and do some stupid shit like organizing the e-library, but it’s like asking a drinker to stop drinking. There are the times I do my best and still mess up something, get scolded and literally flip out because I can’t even do anything proper while giving myself 100%. There are the times I mess up because I was lazy about something, I get scolded, and guess what I flip out too because I feel like crap. Everytime I hear my boss screaming at me, or anticipate that she will, wether she’s in the right or not, I get flash thoughts of hurting myself. I don’t have control over these thoughts and I know I just have to let them be and move on. I can’t even count the times I rushed to the bathroom to cry.

It’s been five years and nothing got better. I keep doing the same stupid shit and I keep having the same fucked up emotional response to anything that goes wrong.

I still have to hold on for at least six months. Right now I feel really, really bad. But it’s probably this bad because I’ve had to much time to overthink how my boss will flip out for everything I did wrong while she was on vacation. Tomorrow I will wear a tight bun, neat trusers, a straight face, get there early, and face the storm. She will finally get to scold me, it will be behind me, and maybe I will fell somewhat normal again.