Bloody tuesday

Yesterday was a good day. I took care to visualize myself taking it easy and doing one thing at a time. I could mold myself into this state of mind with ease and got into the evening with a sense of satisfaction and confidence. After all, during the last 7 days I finished a song, made an artwork, did a bit of promo, some bulk tidying and built the cage 90%. I didn’t tick every box on the list but what I did do was important, and well done. I had a bit of daydreaming in-between…what can I do about it? I have another long weekend coming next.

Before going to therapy I had to ”force“ the recollection of last week’s anxiety attacks, like I had to make an effort to remember exactly how bad I felt. I took it as a good sign that I’ve been able to shift my focus. We talked about how feeling accountable for my every move to authority and family is my biggest trigger. He says I’m gonna have to emancipate myself from the educative jail that suffocates me. When I got out I felt very emotional as the lights of the now semi-dead city center reminded me of the warmth of all the dinners, the drinks, the shopping sprees with fun people, the friendships and romances.

I thought “It is normal to crave those things, and to not want to carry difficulties alone.”

Today I woke up late, fell of the bed after hanging on my phone, checked on my gerbils, thought I was gonna miss the start of a meeting, walked eyes closed past a possibly horrific car accident and finished the walk with flaky legs but a steady will. Then my colleague arrived, and coincidentally told me about HER should-have-been-horrific Friday accident, and the flipped car she saw yesterday. I wondered what the hell was going on and my emotional gauge was probably pretty high when I decided to take a dump, which turned out pretty damn bloody. Shocked but not surprised considering this weekend’s amount of emotional eating, I took in the waves of utter disgust and sheer anticipation of my next poopies and got back to work. Then my superior called and, yet again, decided to scold me as if I was a bad bad child for something I did with good intentions for the interest of the company and that could have been perfectly logical. As always, I am the stupid one and I am willingly not paying attention to what I should know (these are not the words she used, but hey I may be dumb but I’m not naïve). So apparently this was my breaking point, because from then I broke into a one-hour crying session. The self-harm thoughts were here too. Luckily it started just before lunch break and I could manage to spend most of it hiding in the bathroom. My colleague later salvaged the rest of my day by letting me vent out and picking my side. Oh and I remembered that I dreamed that one of my gerbils died.

I was disappointed that I had such a strong reaction to the exact pattern I’ve been discussing in therapy just yesterday. Maybe it was facilitated by the course of events that occurred earlier this morning.

I’ll try to not fall into a pit tonight, do my chores and watch a movie. Too much clutter to start a song. Finishing my chores would really really be a big good thing so I will try to do it happily. There is no emergency, there is nothing on my list that is too difficult for me to do.