Visions

Real entry coming soon, possibly.  ::grin:: 

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I feel almost like I’m being pulled in two, like I’m a piece of taffy being pulled apart by two magnets or hands or something.  Earlier, when I was describing this feeling to Courtenay, I said torn, but that wasn’t the right word.  Torn sounds too… violent.  But I’m being pulled into two. 

My "real self" – the physical body that is the manifestation of my being on this plane of existance – goes through its daily routine.  Get up and get ready, go to work, come home, talk to Court, spend time with Mom, work on maile while watching T.V, go to sleep.

My other self, the twinner, the soul-self is traveling these days.  As I go through my routine, my soul-self is whispering in my ear, bringing stories to my vision, and words to my lips.  These are so much more than daydreams; they are so real to me, like memories are real; slightly faded with time.  

Maybe I’m losing my grip on sanity, maybe I’m just turning too far inward.  But I see, and I remember.

This past week I have died a hundred deaths.  I’ve fallen, starved, frozen, burnt alive.  I have been struck down by fevers, by fate, and by enemies and lovers alike.  I have held loved ones as they died in front of me, whether by violence or by illness or by ill luck.  I have see hundreds of ends.  I wake up crying.

I have also seen the other side of the balance.  I have seen the face of a hundred lovers, some of which I know, and others who I know only by the way my energy twined with theres.  I have loved and been loved, felt the birth of children and the pride of watching my children grow up to become good people, strong people.  I wake up smiling.

Pictures go through my mind like a photo album, but there are some that stand out, some that are like movies, like memories that play in some low quality film but that feel so real I can reach out to touch…

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I’m walking along the lava flows, the ground is black and sharp under my bare feet but I don’t feel it.  I walk on untiring legs and with a majestic strength.  My body’s covered by a deep red wrap around dress, leaving one shoulder bare, my skin tanned and flawless.  My eyes are a bottomless shade of black, my hair a rich brown, with the hint of fire within it.  The mountain behind me erupts, sending sparks and ash, lava and rock, into the sky and it fans out behind me.  My arms reach out and I say, my voice ringing out, soft yet heard by all, "I am the wave and the rock.  I am the burning ember and the sand.  I love you and so I shed my blood upon the sharp edges of my self in order to infold you in comfort and strength.  Why fear the inevitable?  Be strong in love, and love will give you strength."

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I am standing in a sanctuary, the candles painting shadows on the wall, casting a soft golden lights along my pristine robes.  You kneel before me, your head bowed.  I lay my hand upon the crown of your head and a shock ran through us both.  You shiver under my touch, my energy brushing over you, running hot and cold through your body as it kisses your most intimate self.  My voice is low, husky, the voice of a lover, waking on sunwarmed sheets.  "You come to me for absolution of sin, to purge you from the guilt of choice.  I do not have the power to cleanse your heart of the heaviness of guilt.  That is a power for you, and you alone." I trail my fingers down your face, caressing your skin, until the tips of my fingers pressed from under your chin, tilting up your head.  Your eyes looked into mine and I see the weight and pain that you carry.  I increase the pressure on your chin lightly and you raise up as I bend my head down.  My lips are mere inches from yours and I say, "I cannot grant you abolution. But I give you my benediction, and my love.  For in love, all things are possible."  My lips meet yours and our energy twine.  I breathe in your breath and I can see your pain and your anger, your sorrow and your demons that feed on the depth of your soul.  You sway towards me as the candles burn into nothingness, leaving us in the dark.

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