Stay With Me, We’ll be Closer than the Stars

This song’s been stuck in my head off and on for the past three days… It kind of fits the whole general feel of everything that’s been happening.

Courtenay and I’ve been working on things.  We’ve argued a lot this past week, words were said, tears were shed, that kind of thing.  And it doesn’t help at all that we’re both stressed and I’m on my moon, which means all my emotions are totally wonked out.  It came to a head two nights ago, and was touch and go for a little bit.  Yesterday things calmed down and sorted themselves out.

My mom was the one who helped get things to where they are.  Yesterday morning, he called and we talked – he was upset because of something that I couldn’t see – a friend offered support and he read more into it and I was just… done.  I was so tired of feeling like I had to walk on eggshells, tired of feeling like I was doing something wrong even though we both knew I wasn’t doing anything.  I snapped. 

I’m not proud of that fact.  Although, I am proud that I held it together as much as I did… Mom was there when it happened, and she said I was harsh, but I wasn’t vindictive or cruel, which is what I’m afraid of; that when I lose my temper, I’ll go and say things that I don’t mean, just to hurt the other person.  I hung up, and took a bit of time to calm down.  Court tried calling and I ignored him until I could talk without screaming or crying.  I can’t remember if much was said during that early call… I think we just confirmed the fact that we both still loved each other, and we wanted the relationship. 

I thought really hard about walking away.  Not from the relationship, but from everything – staying away from the computer/net, turning off the phone, and just going incommunicado for a week.  I broached the subject with both Mom and Brandon while I was tossing it around in my mind.  They both told me while it may make me feel better, it’d probably be one of the stupidest things I’ve come up with doing.  Momma told me that while my friends would understand (It’s a very Chris thing for me to do – wandering off for a length of time only to pop back up randomly — I do it a lot and the friends who’s been around for years and years accept it), I have someone who loves me very much, and who would probably take it the wrong way if I walked off for a while.  And she’s right.  Once I calmed down a bit I realized she was absolutely right.  So when I talked to Court about it, I was only talking about going away for a weekend; spend my weekend disconnected from the virtual worlds of the net and the phone and in the ‘real world.’ By the time I called him on my break, I had decided that I’d talk to him on Saturday, but Sunday I was going to have my phone turned off.  Now to see if I go through with it.

While we were talking during my first break, I mentioned that I spend a lot of my time at work on AIM and GTalk.  So when I went back in, I emailed him my AIM name and we spent the day talking.  We talked through a lot of stuff, and things have been a lot better since then.  Specially since Mom texted him and gave him advice on how to deal with me.  She basicly told him to stop acting based off of his emotions, and to start thinking things through.  In her own words I "don’t play those games."  And she’s right.  I think that helped take a load off of his mind – the fact that my mom cares enough about our relationship and that she likes him enough to text him to talk.  He offered to take her out for burgers when he came up here.  She’s happy.

I was thinking about her advice to Court today. 

She was right.  But it also served a different purpose.

I need to stop thinking so much with my head, and think more with my emotions; put myself in his shoes.  I mentioned that Guppy invited me to go with him to a couple concerts and when Court said that he didn’t like the idea of me going alone with another guy to a concert, instead of fighting or getting defensive, I thought it through and asked if it would be okay if we went as a group, or if Guppy invited his psudo-girlfriend type thing… and we talked about it.  I can bend.  I need to remember that bending’s important at times. 

We’re both learning and growing, that’s the important thing. 

And we both love each other, very much, and we want this to happen.