Nightmares

I had a nightmare the other night, woke up yesterday morning at around 5 am, crying and shaking.  I pressed myself against Court’s side and cried on his shoulder while he held me and rubbed my back. 

I remember the dream, or at least the essense of it.

I was talking with Court… only now that I reflect on it, it wasn’t Court I was talking to, but a combination of all my exes, just using Court’s face… if that makes sense.  Anyways, I was talking to him and he was leaving, but he was telling me something like, "How could you believe I would leave (enter some girl’s name here) for you?  You really think I’d want to spend my life with you? You make me sick."  And on and on.  It was just.. shattering.  I ended up shattering in the end of the dream, talking to him one last time and then offing myself. 

I threw myself off the top of the parking garage.

I woke up crying.

I know what it’s dealing with, the underlying issues.  Ever since Bob’s moved into the house, a little less than a month ago, there’s been no sexual contact at all.  I’ve tried to tease and play and he’s not comfortable doing anything if Bob’s in the house, or has the possibility of showing up.  And I understand that.  I do.  At least mentally.  But on another level I feel as though I’m not desirable, that all the people who’ve told me such are only sayingt hat because they don’t know me, because they’re not around all the time to see my moods, my fits, and my general self. 

That wasn’t the only dream I’ve had the last two nights. 

I dreamt that I was in some sort of mortal kombat like combat thingie.  There were like… 300 people and it was a huge free for all death match, winner got something amazingly awesome, or was it the last 10 people did?  Well, anyways, it was no holds barred and the only parts i really remember was finding some sort of explosives and I ended up killing someone who was a non-com on accident and used that fact, and the fact that I was set up to do it, as a way to break out of the whole fighting thing. O.o

And this morning I dreamt about a baby in a suitcase. o.o;  The suitcase was open, but the baby was using it as a cradle and I woke up and asked Court if that’d be neglect or abuse or something.  He said it wasn’t unless the suitcase was closed.  It wasn’t.  I checked.