Maybe Not so Heartless…

Bon and I talked for a long time yesterday before she left.  

I was mostly right when I said that the Depersonalization was something that she couldn’t really handle; not that she couldn’t handle me as much as she couldn’t handle being in a position where she had no idea how to help / what to do.  I understand that.

We’re still friends, still on good terms and love each other dearly, but I think now she has a better idea of what I’m dealing with day by day.

I hurt her.  I got an interesting view of my DP; she told me how I acted and what I said/did/looked like and it didn’t match what I thought I was doing, and how I thought I was acting at all. I’m used to the usual amount of miscommunication between people, but this was really bizarre.  I’m going to see Karyn today, and going to talk to her about it.

There was some good that came out of my leaving the night before last…

Bonnie and Court had a long talk that night.  I think she understands more about how I can love him and want to throttle him at the same time.  Everything I’ve read says it’s really hard to love someone who’s nutters, and Court can give her a similar point of view.

… looking at the above… I’m reminded of my last conversation I had with my dad.  On one hand, I want to scream and cry, seeing proof of how I’m like him.  On the other, I want to sit and think… maybe I need to rethink how I feel about him.  

…. I hate things like this.  Why can’t my reality be stable for a while?