Forgive Me

 I haven’t written or even checked this in ages.  

 I hit a really really bad slump and just… collapsed inward.

Not going to get into any of the really nitty gritty details, but it suffices to say that I had another episode of "going crazy" like the one I had when Matt and I were together ages and ages ago… and this time, instead of trying to ride it out and totally alienating myself and making things worse, I went to the doc.  She changed my meds around and told me to go see another therapist.  So I did that.  After a couple meetings with my therapist, where i described what was going on and how I felt, I took a test or two and got diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder.  What that means, in a nutshell, is that when I get too depressed / anxious / stressed (like I was all the time back in Jan / Feb / March), my mind flips a switch and I… go away.

I start doing things that I don’t know why I’m doing them, and I  start wondering if I’m really real, and if I’m really here, and if I’m really feeling what I’m feeling, or if I think I’m feeling what I’m feeling, or if I only want to believe that I’m feeling what I’m feeling.  In other words, I start doubting my own existence and it sends me into a panic attack.  Now that I know what it’s called, and that I’m not "crazy" I feel a little better.. it’s still disconcerning when it happens but I’ve found ways to ground me to help me realize that yes, I’m here and I’m going to be ok.  

Since the breakdown, I’ve been seeing the therapist weekly (she’s the one who told me to write more and to actually try to feel instead of writing off my feelings), and I’m prolly going to see a psychiatrist, so I can get my meds fixed again.  But things have been better, I have to say that.

On the home front, things are pretty good.  Court and I had a long talk.  It was a good four hour talk where I explained to him what was happening to me and how I was feeling, and I told him that (in a nutshell) I couldn’t handle the pressure and the expectations that go along with us being a couple… My therapist has helped me figure out exactly what was wrong with me and why I was so angry… I have high expectations with my partners, and he wasn’t meeting them, and instead of saying, "Okay, he does things differently." and meaning it, I was getting angry and hateful.  Which was putting him on edge, and whatnot.  So I told him that I was breaking up with him, we were no longer "in" a relationship, but we "have" a relationship.  In layman’s terms… We’re still as close as we were, if not closer, but I’m allowed to be selfish and think of myself and not have to feel guilty about it, and he can do the same.  The therapist says that this is how relationships are supposed to be, with each of us in charge of our own happiness, but with how wonked I am inside and in my head, I haven’t found the balance between loving/taking care of myself vs loving/taking care of my partner.  We’re still working on things, but we’re both a lot happier having that expectation taken off.  

I have 8 hamsters now.  I can’t remember what the last count was when I posted last, but there’s 8:

Persephone (long haired hamster)
Cheerwell (winter white dwarf hamster)
Tubba (Russian dwarf hamster)
"The triplets + one" (robo hamsters… originally there was just the three, but I caved in and let my mom and Court buy a fourth, hence the "+ one")
and Snowstar (pearl winter white dwarf hamster)

They’re a lot of fun, and all crazy, with their own quirks and whatnot.  As much as I complain about them, I love them all.

On the Jewelry side… I decided not to do any of the faires and whatnot this year, not till winter time, since the depression hit so bad.  I did get a better photo studio thingie; and am taking a lot better pictures.  www.etsy.com/shop/Zarlune  I also have a deviantart (Anyai) and Finely Wrought has a page on facebook, although I’m still working on that.  I’m working harder at getting my name out and hopefully it’ll work.

Uuhmm… work. Kristal’s gone, which is sad, and things were really really bad for a long time but they seem to be easing up a little bit.  Which I’m really glad for.  There’s still a lot of heat between Brenda and everyone else, but I can take a deep breath and relax.  Speaking of work, it’s about time for me to get ready to clock in. ^-^ 

I will be writing more.

I’ve missed it here.