Depression

I’m depressed.

I don’t think there’s any two ways about it.  I go on an even keel and whatnot until something bumps me off and then I thrash around helplessly until I’m too tired to do anything more than sink.

That’s not how I want to live.  I don’t want to feel like I have to be scared of everything that isn’t middle ground and dependable. 

I ended up crying really bad today.  At work.  Over nothing.  Well, okay, not nothing, but over something that shouldn’t have been that big of a deal.  Just thinking about it, an thinking about what happened makes me want to start sobbing and climb under my desk to hide for the day… maybe to sleep too.I blamed theese feelings on everything else – my moon, partying too late at night, hell, I still find myself blaming these things as I write this… a case of "I know my moon’s close, maybe that’s the reason why I’m so emotional."  Yeah, it might be, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am totally depressed.  And stressed.

I called my doctor today.  I have an appointment on the 5th to go get a physical and pap done… as well as all sorts of nutrition testing too.  I’m going to talk to my doctor about the depression as well as as ways to treat it.  Working out more, eating healthier, changing my routine, etc.  I have a feeling that it’ll end up with me going back on the meds, at least for a little while… I’m so scared of that 0 of going back on the meds and forgetting how to write and create games.  ::Shakes her head:: I was on Cymbalta for almost a year and then realized that I couldn’t write while doped up… so I went off of it.  The withdraws were hell; I can’t believe I went off of them without talking to my doc to get the lower dosage pills.  I just… went from taking 2 pills, twice a day, to taking two pills a day, to taking nothing.  Shame on me.

Well, I’ll find out on the 5th what I can do to stay off of the pills.  Maybe Acupuncture or somethin.