Breathe, Chris. Breathe

 I’m sleepy again, but I can’t sleep. 

I don’t know what it is.

I just, have too much on my mind I think.

Like work.  They finally posted the Senior Revenue Auditor job and I’m almost certain that either Brenda or Kristal will get it.  I don’t know which prospect I want.  Brenda’s the one who’s holding us all together and accountable and she’s a pretty good manager; we’re getting shit done and whatnot, but she talks down to us all like we’re rodents, or children.  I understand that the "I’m not helping you, you have to figure it out on your own" approach works wonderful with 4 year olds (depending on what it is you’re trying to teach them to do), but it’s demeaning when you use it on your coworkers. (Hell,  to be honest, it’s pretty demeaning when you use it on your 4 year olds too).  I wouldn’t mind Kristal getting it but I don’t know what that would entail and what kind of issues we’d have in the department.  

Then there’s the fact that I think I found a job I want to apply for but I’m really uncertain if I really want to try for it.  I mean… it’s something new, which is good, right?  But at the same time, it’s something unknown.  I’ve been at the casino for almost five years and I know it.  It’s not the best place to work, not by a long shot, and I know that if I stay there much longer then I’ll end up uncontrollably bitter towards Native Americans.  I can already feel it now, it’s like a bile that rises up in the back of my throat every time I hear one of the tribal Natives talking about how they got a 6,000 per cap check and how it would have been more, but the employees were given way too much money for their Christmas bonuses.  … It just… yeah.  Deep breath Chris, deep breath.

The new job’s for an admin assistant at a non-profit organization in town.  I make all of the requirements and the only thing I’m even remotely worried about is the fact that I’d have to drive to events and such.  I don’t like to drive.  I really don’t like to drive, and the idea of having a job that requires me to drive (as opposed to taking the bus or arranging my own transportation) really worries me.  So yeah, maybe the job’s not for me, but I think the fact that I’m actively looking is showing that I’m dissatisfied.  What also shows my dissatisifaction is the fact that I can’t sleep.  I just.  I can’t sleep on the nights before days I have to work, and I’m always exhausted while i’m at work.  It’s all just… ick.  

There’s so much that’s on my mind right now.  I had to get up and write to get some of it out.  Hell, I had to text most of my friends and ask a really silly question because it wouldn’t get out of my head.  

If you were to wrestle in pudding, what flavor would it be?

Luckily my friends know and love me and understand that sometimes I just have to get something off of my mind, and the only way I can do it is to share.  I wish I could pin down some more thoughts.  

I’m doing well in my story.  The editing’s going well.  Page 50 now.  I just wish I didn’t think deep down that it’ll end up being a complete and total load of dung when it’s finished.  I’m having to tell myself that it’ll be good, I just have to wait for the rewrite, and I have to put down all the information I can think of while i’m in this editing episode so I can get a good rewrite.  

That doesn’t help me when I’m reading a sentance that looks like it’s been mauled by a bear.  A comma-wielding, very angry she-bear.  With a dozen comma throwing cubs attached to her back.  x.x I think I’ve scratched out like… two pages of nothing but commas.  Breathe Chris, breathe.

Okay, going to try to sleep now.  Save my insecurities for another day, ja?

P.S. Bones is a pretty awesome show.