A New Year, a New Life

It’s been months and months since I last wrote.  And in those months, a lot has changed.

First off, I’m no longer seeing anyone.  Court and I split ages and ages ago, and I called it off with Bon a while ago too.  I still love her and I still miss her, but I wasn’t in a place where I could get into a relationship seriously.  I read something today that explain what happened; dread fell in upon the two of us, upon me, and instead of working a way through it, I let it smother our relationship. And our friendship.  ::sigh:: I didn’t meant to, but that’s what happened.  I’m hoping we can slowly rebuild our friendship and come into something stronger and more beautiful.

Another big change… I moved out of my mom’s house (again).  This time I moved in with a pair of people around my age.  Becca’s 22 and she’s a student at Evergreen.  She’s a good person, if a little childish at times.   Bobby’s older, in his 30s, and is her boyfriend.  He’s… well… intense at times.  There’s times that he scares me and I just kind of wince away, but I’m getting better, and I know he doesn’t mean to scare me.  It’s just his intensity that does.  We also have a cat, Mo, who acts like I’m the only person in the entire world and he’s starving for attention.  According to Brandon, that’s a cat trait.  I wouldn’t know, this is my first cat.

Those are my biggest changes… The business isn’t going too far right now, but that’s mainly because I’m spending so much time and energy on the move and on getting healthy again.  I gave up doing Christmas bazaars when I realized I didn’t have the stock or the energy for them, so I lost out on a lot of profit.  I’m going to go do a bunch of summer shows hopefully and work on getting stock together in the meantime.  Right now I’m working on a Toblero board.  It’s a 7×7 board that’s used for a drinking game that I learned at the pirate faires last year.. it’s almost done, just have 3 more rows to put on it and then I’ll be able to move onto another project.

My brother’s been trying to get into touch with me again.  He’s been sending me messages through facebook and I answer them sometimes.  I don’t know what to say to him, after all he’s done to the family and all the bridges he burned.  Maili misses the hell out of him and he assures me that he’s doing well and whatnot.  He’s living with people in California and god only knows what he’s doing with his time.  He has dreadlocks now, which is really weird to see on him, specially since Dad never let him keep his hair long at all.

Mom’s not really talking to me right now.  She is, but she’s not.  Mainly because of the whole move thing.  I was whining about not having any money and how much I hated it and her comment was, “I told you not to move, but you had to move out quickly.”  My reply was that I valued my mental health more than anything else.  She changed the subject.  Since then the move is a taboo topic.  Hell, almost everything’s a taboo topic; if it’s serious and it’s going to affect her in a negative way, we don’t talk about it.  She’s taking after Court in that respect.

Court’s still living with Mom, still not working, and still gaming all night.  My friends and coworkers want to beat him up, or down, or whatever direction, but I try not to let it all bother me.  Yes, I know my mom pretty much chose Court over me.  Yes, I know it wasn’t fair or right of her.  Yes, I know it was a shitty thing to do.  But what can I do about it?  Bonnie harps on me all the time about this, or at least, she used to… and she doesn’t understand that the only thing I could really do was remove myself from the situation.  I’m not dominant enough to assert myself in the way that she wanted me to.  I may have been that way once, but over a decade of hiding myself and learning to bend with the winds changed all that.  I don’t think she ever understood that, or ever will.  ::sigh:: Another bit of something to come between us.

I started gaming with a small group, just Becca, Bobby, and their friend Matt.  I’m thinking about inviting Bob over, I miss him horribly, but we need more kitchen chairs before I can do that.  I might take Becca and Bobby out to meet Bob.  I don’t know though.

Brandon’s coming to visit me in two and a half months there abouts.  At least, that’s the plan.  I’m excited and worried and nervous and a thousand emotions all at once.  I mean, what if he doesn’t like me?  what if he gets here, sees me and the place I’m living at (it’s small and dank but home) and turns and leaves?  A thousand What Ifs are in my head right now,but I’m going to do what I can to make myself healthy and good and hope that he sees that I’m still a work in progress.

I’m looking for a new job.  I found one at Intercity Transit that I’m looking forward to hear back from.  I put in for it on Friday, and I’m hoping beyond hope that I get the job, and that I can cut my two hour commute to a twenty minute one… even if getting it does mean that I’ll have to push Brandon’s trip back a little.  I don’t think he’d mind for that reason.

Oh, I found a nifty phone app that I’m going to get for my phone… it’s an interactive game like thing, called Zombies, Run! and you can use it to get into shape.  I’m picking it up on Thursday and I’ll let you all know how it worked out and if I like it.

Well, that’s all I can think of right now, so I’m going to go talk to Brandon and head to bed.